Jump scares are garbage.
I know this isn’t a unique opinion , but I still need to get it off my chest. They entirely reliant on the element of surprise — putting something big and loud in your face rather than upping the tension with actual decent filmmaking.
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If you like scares, but not jump scares, check out this list. It might spook you, but it won’t jump scare you.
“This Finding Dory night light is perfect for kids!”
I realize that the quality control on a cheap kids’ night light probably isn’t going to be top notch, but you’d think the designers would realize how horrifying this is before it hit the market.
“The ‘skin’ cake I made to celebrate the beginning of Dermatology residency. Everyone thought it was delicious.”
As someone who’s watched a lot of serial killer documentaries, the notion of a ‘skin cake’ made my blood run cold. This looks gross, but at least it’s just cake.
“Driftwood figures roaming the forest. By Japanese artist Nagato Iwasaki.”
Seeing these by the light of day isn’t so bad. You can appreciate the artistry that went into them. But I would stay far away from these woods after twilight.
“Woke up with 4 random tiny cuts on my finger (I don’t have any pets if that’s what you’re thinking).”
I’m not going to say this is the work of Slenderman, but I also can’t think of another plausible explanation.
“Russian bear hunting armor.”
This Pinhead getup looks like it would, indeed, be effective in fending off attacks by bears or any other large animal. Something about the facial expressions frozen on the helmets just makes me seize up with terror, though.
“Well that’s not a good sign.”
I don’t know about you, but I always resent it when some kind of optical illusion or brain teaser or riddle tries to mess with my mind…mostly because my mind is pretty easy to mess with.
“Went camping with my girlfriend. I woke up to pee and she took this photo of me.”
Putting aside the fact that it’s rude to photograph someone while they go out for a midnight pee, there’s something innately disturbing about this whole scene.
“Opening ceremony at Australia’s first McDonald’s (in Yagoona, southwestern Sydney), 1971.”
If you’ve ever wondered why McDonald’s has phased out Ronald McDonald in recent years, pics like this should show you why. This version of Ronald looks like he’s just killed someone.
“Pulpit Rock from above with a growing crack.”
Overhanging ledges are great when it comes to seeking out the best views. They’re also great at eroding and eventually collapsing. Just look at what happened at Table Rock in Niagara Falls back in the 19th century.
“The statue of Bodhisattva Kannon in Sendai, Japan.”
After seeing this pic, I really dislike the idea of gigantic statues. If we must build gigantic statues, let’s keep them isolated on small islands, like the Statue of Liberty, where they can’t hurt us.
“All of a sudden you hear sirens.”
Ominous signs that give you a warning, but offer no context on what the warning might be for, are the worst kind of signs. Is going 200 steps up the hill really going to help matters?
“Barbie with a chicken’s body.”
When you buy one of those suspiciously inexpensive grocery store rotisserie chickens, you know in the abstract that it was once a living thing, with a torso and legs. Somehow, it doesn’t really hit home until you put a Barbie head on it.
“Best cinema ever.”
I admire the idea here — let’s watch the movie that will make everyone afraid of being in the water while they’re in the water — but I know that I wouldn’t have the guts to do this.
“The enormous decayed bunny in Colletto Fava.”
As is the case with most large-scale, creepy, seemingly inexplicable things, this was once an art installation. Fortunately, it’s decayed even more in the years since these pics were taken, and it pretty much doesn’t exist anymore.
“This is how the original Yoda puppet used in The Empire Strikes Back looks now.”
This is a major piece of cinematic historic, and also a major piece of nightmare fuel. Who allowed this to happen to poor Yoda?
“These electron microscope pictures of brain eating amoeba.”
I was terrified after reading ‘brain eating amoeba’, then I saw these pics. It looks like these amoeba have big, yawning mouths — the better to eat amoeba with, I suppose.
“Dried-up stingrays will haunt my nightmares.”
Why is it that dried-up stingrays look like some kind of evil new Pokemon? Do they really have those humanoid legs, or are those just tentacles or something? I’m staying out of the water forever.
“Chinese rocks. Somewhere in Crimea, Russia.”
I would think that, given the location, these would be Crimean rocks, not Chinese rocks. Then again, maybe they should be hellspawn rocks, because they look like a mass of tortured souls. No thanks.
“Woke up scared stiff last night when I noticed a Victorian ghost floating at the end of my bed. Took me a few minutes to realise it was my clothes on the door.”
I’ve done nearly this exact same thing before. It was a lesson to be careful when hanging clothes up.
“Needed to mark spots in order to cut out eye holes for my wife’s Halloween costume. The fitting was scarier than the finished product.”
We don’t get to see the finished product, but that’s okay. I don’t really want to look at this unnerving face mask any longer than necessary.
