In any relationship , moving to the next phase and discussing starting a family is a huge step. Many couples have several dozens of conversations before they take the next step and begin trying to have children. For many couples , finances are a big part of whether or not to have children together. Many couples worry about the costs of having a child and how much goes into raising a kid.
One husband recently wrote into Reddit about issues he and his wife are having about having a family.
The couple has a rather interesting dynamic in their relationship.
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“I have known/been dating my wife for 6 years, and we have been spiritually married for 2 years. We are not legally married, although at this point we are essentially common law.
We are both high earners (both earning over $175k a year after-tax). We purchased our home together and we have agreed to split the finances 50-50. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, everything 50-50, although I did pay for the cost of our rings and her engagement ring,” he wrote .
Although they have a different dynamic, he is “proud” of his wife.
“Because of our incomes, we felt it would be best to keep our finances separate – we’re both highly independent people and both very career-driven. It’s part of the reason I’m so attracted to her – she’s amazing at what she does, and I’m so proud to be able to introduce her as my wife and explain what she does,” said the husband .
The two had been saving up to travel together, however, Covid-19 hit.
The pandemic had changed a lot of the plans that they originally had. The couple had been saving up to travel and do things together, but with the pandemic shutdowns, the two are changing their priorities. Now, they have been discussing having kids and getting married instead.
They decided to begin trying.
After their conversations and talks, the two decided it was the right time to try and have kids so they stopped their birth control methods and begin trying to have a kid “naturally.” However, a new conversation has come up between them about finances.
The husband overheard his wife having a conversation with her sister.
When he asked about what she was talking about, she opened up about her job and her workplace.
“Her workplace allows for maternity leave for up to a year, but only provides 50% of her salary for up to 6 months. The remaining 6 months is unpaid. She was very direct, and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital-related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a 6-month break from work would cost her almost $50,000 since her pay would be cut in half,” he shared.
The bottom line became that she wanted her husband to pay her $50,000 for lost wages if she were to have a baby.
“She is asking me to compensate her for that $50,000, in addition to agreeing to split any related but unexpected costs to pregnancy and childbirth. Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it and I am not, given that our finances are separate,” he continued to say.
The husband says while he sees where she is coming from, he feels slightly uncomfortable about this request.
He hesitated about having to “pay” his wife to have baby, but she continued to say that her job only pays for 6 months of maternity leave and that having a baby may have her take off anywhere from 6-12 months, which can also cause her to lose her job entirely if she is gone too long. In addition, the health insurance costs are a problem for her, as well.
She had requests about household expenses, as well.
“There are also detailed notes about how she wants to keep housework split, with plans to start saving for both childcare and additional housekeeper expenses for at least the first four years. I kid you not, it’s a 16-page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and lists of expenses,” he said.
Now, the husband said he feels as though he is being “forced” to pay his wife to have a baby.
Many online said while it is a bit strange, this is “what they wanted.”
“It’s 100% just as true to say you are asking HER to pay $$$ in ‘opportunity cost’ by having your baby. Yes, this is all transactional and weird. But that’s the arrangement you already have between you two. What she’s pursuing is security and fairness. That’s all. If you two have chosen to not marry and keep finances separate indefinitely that’s cool. That’s your style. This is simply part of that,” said one person online .
However, some people felt it was “fair.”
“This seems smart and upfront. Power imbalances (such as money) can cause resentment in relationships.
Both men and women often feel mistreated when there are assumed agreements in a relationship (e.g., housework split, duty to provide, etc.). It would be much better if people actually talked about this stuff. It would be astronomically better if they put it in writing.
The wife’s living in the year 3000,” said another.
However, some were disgusted that the wife wanted payment.
Some online were shocked and surprised that this wife wanted money to have a child. Many women chimed in saying that childbirth and parenting is one of the greatest experiences and it is clear that she is “prioritizing” the wrong things in life.
This is definitely dramatic!
