Chandler Bing. He’s one of the funniest characters on Friends , and it all comes from the sarcastic quips he delivers.
Heck, he’s probably the best person in an argument on the show.
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Today, we’re going to teach you how to win any argument using only lines from Chandler Bing’s repertoire .
When you want to be sarcastic about your friend’s job:
Phoebe: “One of my clients died today on the massage table.”
Chandler: “Well that’s a little more relaxed than you wanted him to get.”
Just change “relaxed” with something your friend does in their job.
When you’re talking about love:
“Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh, crap!’”
Well, this speaks to the awkward person in all of us. Hopefully, whoever you’re talking to, takes pity on you for that.
When the convo is about physical fitness:
“I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.”
This will make you sound super credible because you are, in fact, a gym member.
When you want to bash someone’s sense of humor:
“I’m funny, right? What do you know, you’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.”
Calling someone a door is the ultimate insult. Trust me, I’ve been around the streets a couple times.
Women, women, women:
Phoebe: “Do you guys know anything about chicks?”
Chandler: “Fowl? No. Women? No.”
In any discussion about women, you have to crack a joke or two to divide up the serious parts!
If evolution comes up:
“Ross [on the phone]: “No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
Chandler: “Well, maybe he was nervous”
Make your opponent’s argument sound silly when they use words like “erect” or “stiff”.
Weddings and dinners:
“I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner, I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”
Weddings are tedious and lame (until the reception) so make sure to constantly make fun of the rehearsal dinner!
That moment when someone is better looking than you:
“Hey, I’d shake your hand but I’m into the game… plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other.”
Also, don’t stand next to the person afterwards.
The ultimate burn in an argument:
“Yes, on a scale from one to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.”
This is one for when you severely want to burn your opponent.
When you’re caught making a joke mid-argument:
“Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
This is probably at a point in the argument where you want to let your opponent know that you’re a socially awkward person.
When you’ve had enough talk about the internet:
“So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.”
No, not the literal landscape, but the way that things are seemingly going to be run from now on. You know, on the internet.
Sometimes, you just don’t want to give any advice at all to your friends:
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
This would probably be the start of an argument rather than something you say during one, but there you go.
In defense of yourself:
“I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day!”
If you ever say something stupid, at least you have a line to make them take pity on you (hopefully).
And of course, if you’re ever losing an argument:
“I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”
Hopefully, that will disarm your opponent and make them feel pity for you. So you know, they’ll stop arguing with you and you can slink away.
