Marriage is about the unification of two souls; a coming together of mind, body, and spirit that will last until the end of time — says anyone who's never actually been married.
The rest of us, on the other hand, know better. So for those who know have come to understand the lighter side of marriage first-hand, here are 15 spot-on tweets that we'll all be able to relate to.
"Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?” - Twitter @Lhlodder
I can relate to this on so many levels. There's nothing more terrifying than watching my fiancee lose at Fantasy Football. The things that come out of her mouth are truly shocking and terrifying at times.
"My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight." - Twitter @SladeWentworth
I'm a man of routine: my wallet goes in my back right pocket and my keys go in the front right side. One day, I spent an hour-and-a-half looking desperately for my wallet, only to have Megan pull it from out the left back pocket of my jeans — while I was still wearing them no less.
"Married sex is like traveling," Twitter user @daddydoubts begins. "It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started."
Why is it that women love asking rhetorical questions? If you hate what I have on, why don't you just tell me! Better that than making me play this infernal game of mind-chess — give us a break!
"Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage." - Twitter @sarcasticmommy4
This man is either incredibly brave or unbelievably reckless. I wouldn't dare eat my SO cookies unless I was looking for a quick death or a long drawn-out divorce.
Also, that sentence wasn't meant to sound dirty.
"My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily." - Twitter @JessObsess
At the very least, I'm sure that the mannequin was a great listener and seldom interrupted — if at all. It's probably the most amount of words this man has been able to get in edgewise for years.
"I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.” - Twitter @Parkerlawyer
This one made me laugh because my fiancee is always the first one to announce "it's green!" as soon as the light changes. If only she could be as attentive when she's navigating using the GPS.
"We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer[sic] they are. This is peak marriage," Twitter user @simoncholland said.
Just think about all the extra storage space!
I swear, once Megan and I moved in together — I lost all ability to locate my wallet. Every single day, I go through the same fear-induced panic ritual until she comes along and kindly reminds me where I last left it.
"You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure." - Twitter @simoncholland
