Movies and TV paint an incredibly romantic portrayal of love and marriage. But those of us who are in real-life marriages and relationships know that love isn't a bed of roses — it's a battlefield.
For those of you who disagree, you clearly haven't been with your significant other long enough to know any better. That's why I've compiled these 10+ tweets that show what married life is really like.
Ah yes, the fabled man-cold; one of the vilest forms of influenza that the human race has ever seen.
It's actually a fact that men suffer more than women when they're sick. If you don't believe me, just ask any man and they'll tell you.
Oh boy, can I relate to this one. Heaven forbid if I'm the first person to lift the toilet lid after my fiancee has finished cleaning the bathroom.
I've even started peeing outside just to avoid an argument.
Not even Shakespeare himself could have penned a better simile about married life than @daddydoubts.
I suppose the only thing to do would be to put it in neutral and pray to whatever god you hold dear that the engine inevitably turns over.
What's even more surprising, for anyone who isn't married, is that sometimes doing something the wrong way is even worse than not doing it at all!
It's a lesson I've learned the hard way many, many times.
When my fiancee and I have a really bad blowout, she'll go ahead and secretly order herself McDonald's on Uber Eats. 20 minutes later, I'm forced to watch in anger and horror as she scarfs down a Big Mac right in front of me.
This might sound harsh but once you've been with someone for long enough, asking them "do we have limes" is basically like saying "I love you."
Just in a much more efficient and pragmatic way.
Donuts can solve close to 90% of marital issues. If you happen to have coffee as well — those numbers go up even higher.
It's important to understand this truth as early as possible if you plan to survive in your marriage.
I've done a lot of things in my life that I'd never thought I'd be able to do; both good and bad. One of which was crushing eight full seasons of Million Dollar Listing New York without batting an eye.
in case you're curious, I'm a Fredrik Eklund fan.
To all the men out there: heed this warning. If you are not a psychic medium, you better damn well figure out a way to become one as quickly as you possibly can.
The key to keeping your wife happy is to anticipate her every thought before she even has time to think it.
I don't want to say that I would have done the same thing — but I would have done the same thing.
And before you go getting your feathers all out of sorts, just know that my fiancee loves our dog way more than she loves me.
Communication is key, fellas. You have to remember that sometimes a back rub can just be a back rub and cuddling can just be cuddling.
It doesn't always have to lead to the bedroom.
Couples who challenge each other tend to be the couples that stay together in my experience. It's when two people stop fighting altogether, that's when things can get very worrisome.
Unless you want to make a household chore your designated duty for as long as you both shall live — turn off the innate instinct to comment on your partner's cleaning approach.
Trust me when I say that they aren't looking for your opinion.
I love this tweet. It perfectly illustrates the difference between loving the idea of a person and loving them for who they truly are.
When you think of it that way, it's actually kind of sweet.
I can empathize, only with us it's usually "what do you want to watch on Netflix?" Two hours later, we just wind up watching re-runs of The Office for the ten billionth time.
How could you not be excited about new shelves? Can you imagine all that clutter just lying on the floor, obstructing someone's way and potentially causing a fire hazard? I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
I don't care what anyone says: people who put the roll of toilet paper in the "over" position are psychopaths. How do you manage to do a quick one-handed rip without unspooling the entire roll onto the floor?!
Mastering the art of psychological warfare is the only way to survive in marriage. That might sound petty, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Remember, the couples that stay together don't get mad — they get even.
I may not be a "husband husband" quite yet, but I've been an "Instagram husband" for the last eight years of my life.
My best piece of advice is to just put the camera in "burst mode" and point it in the general direction of your wife.
Human beings weren't meant to sleep in the same bed together. I'm all for the same bedroom, but if society one day decided to revert back to married couples' sleeping in twin beds — I'd be all for it.
Do you know what men hate more than anything else in the world? When they ask their wives "Do you want something to eat?" and are told "No thanks — I'll just have some of yours."
Ladies, we don't want to share our food with you. That's why we asked in the first place!
Don't even get me started on Tupperware. I swear we have close to five hundred lids in our kitchen. Yet somehow there are only seven containers.
I don't know what kind of a psychopath does this but evidently I am he.
I bet she also wrote down things like "soap" and "cleaner," too.
What kind of soap: dish, facial, hand, body? Are you trying to set me up for failure — do you not love me anymore?!
