Before I really get into this, you should know something: I am definitely qualified to talk about being a mess.
Today, I’m wearing two different socks, my belt is inside-out (don’t even get me started on how that works), and I got confused about whether Daylight Savings was Sunday morning or Monday morning, so I got to work an hour early for no reason.
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Now that MY qualifications are out of the way…
1. The struggle is real, even if that struggle is just “sitting up while I browse Reddit.”
We all have our problems, and I don’t think this dude and I are alone with gravity being one of those problems.
2. Luckily, cleaning myself isn’t generally a problem for me.
That said…I really hate doing dishes. By the time I do finally get around to them, there’s usually enough of them to fill the bathtub anyway.
But bruh…are you using Ajax on your skin? That’s hardcore.
3. Now this one fits my exact wheelhouse: lazy AND awkward.
Honestly, if you’re gonna be the weird one at work, you might as well do it with a continuous supply of fresh, buttery popcorn. This applies to the above pic and also just working at any movie theater.
4. There are days when you can’t even write your name at the top of a form.
I mean, I have troubles with most forms and tests anyway, but I’ve never had a pencil straight-up abandon all hope while I’m trying to write something.
5. I swear I can crack an egg without this happening…
…not every single time , I guess, but…
Hey, I can’t control every egg in the world, OK? Sometimes it just doesn’t go my way.
I might have exaggerated when I said I could reliably crack an egg.
I would love to have this magical chef skill, but every time I crack an egg into a pan it looks like I sneezed in the middle of trying to do it and botched everything.
6. When you are so over winter and your work commute that you stop caring.
I mean, if somebody were to ding your car on the way to work, you could always take a mental health day because of the shock, right?
7. If there’s one thing I hate more than dishes, it’s abandoning a perfectly good garbage tower and starting a new bag.
Basically, you can accuse me of being lazy with the trash or being unable to commit, not both , OK?
8. I’m all in favor of chopsticks when it comes to junk food.
Seriously, I get flak from everybody else in the office when I use chopsticks to keep Cheeto dust off my fingers.
But…how is this any easier than just holding the dang sandwich?!
9. So…I get this. I understand that this would be my fate as an Uber driver.
This is why I remain a safe and low-rated Uber passenger.
The low rating is nonsense, by the way. You fart every trip one time…
10. Full disclosure: I’m not gonna say that I’m completely innocent of this move.
But since this is a one-handed maneuver, I’m guessing that this isn’t my usual quick snap at a live show. This is the ol’ stuck behind a jerk taking video .
I’m not saying you’re automatically a monster for whipping out your phone at a concert.
But you are definitely hard of hearing if you think that anybody wants to watch your crappy 30 seconds of fuzzy audio and out-of-focus wobbling.
11. Dude…I’m so sorry. Lost nachos are nothing to joke about, even though I of course am going to do that right now.
Honestly, I don’t really care about sports, so losing my nachos would ruin my day way more than my team losing the game.
12. Ugh. I’ve locked myself out so many times, but at least I can buzz myself into my building.
And from there, all I have to do is wait until a full moon, light some incense, and chant my landlord’s name backwards to get her to actually appear and help me.
13. Big. Mood. That is all I have to say.
Who am I kidding? How could I ever only have two words to say? Almost every problem in my life is because I have too many words to say at all times.
If there’s anything worse than other people, I don’t know what that would be.
Not y’all though. Y’all are beautiful, article-clicking rockstars.
I mean all those other…uh…yeah, it’s definitely my words that get me into trouble.
