If you grew up in a chaotic household, there are probably a lot of things you want to forget. All the fights. All the times you went hungry. All the times you had to lie to protect your family.
Sadly, a lot of these unhealthy behaviors got carried into adulthood . It’s time to loosen their grip. Here, women open up about what they are still unlearning from childhood .
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Using avoidance as a way to deal with conflict
Running away from your problems is ingrained in many people. Some even packed their bags as kids and ran away for a while. But dealing with conflict is an important part of being a mature adult.
That taking care of yourself is not being productive
“I received so much praise from outside sources that I should always be productive that I subconsciously considered having a day to myself to do nothing was unproductive and therefore I couldn’t partake.” – u/ orionisland
That you should panic when food gets low because there’s no money to buy more
If you grew up poor with a limited food supply, you’ll remember this one. It’s easy to still exist in that scarcity mindset even when you know that you can feed yourself.
That what you want, need, and like is not as important as anyone else in any given setting
“I don’t have to give up my seat if someone new walks in the room or get in line last for meals. The smallest and worst is not always for me.” – u/ bm-inthepm
That you must finish everything on your plate
Sadly, many kids grew up with parents who forced them to finish everything on their plate. This mentality has led to many meals being ruined and many stomach aches from kids being so full.
That you need to be on a diet
“That accepting my body as it is (strong, healthy, mobile, etc) is exactly what I can and should do. My self-worth isn’t tied to my weight.” -u/ paintbynumbers18 . Yes! Amen to this, sis!
That doing poorly in school means that you are stupid and worthless
Not true at all! One Redditor wrote that they were always expected to be perfect.
So when they struggled with school, their parent’s reactions made them think that they were less intelligent than everybody else.
That someone’s reaction to you is about you, not them
“I’m not ‘too much’ or overwhelming; they’re overwhelmed, but that’s not on me. Related: I’m allowed to take up space and have needs.” – u/ hmtee3 . Take up all the space you need, boo!
That you should accept everything people tell you
Forget that! It’s okay to challenge the words people say and to have your own thoughts.
When one Redditor was a child, their low self-esteem caused them to readily accept what people told them, especially if they inflicted it on them with a loud, assertive voice.
That yelling is a productive way to communicate
“I’m better than I was but when I was younger, my go-to when I got mad or frustrated was to get loud immediately as screaming was my mother’s love language.” – u/ resetbutton924
That you must always ask for permission
One Redditor shared that they basically had to ask their mom if they were allowed to breathe.
So when they renovated a house with their partner, they couldn’t wrap their head around the fact that they didn’t have to ask before working on something.
That it’s not okay to cry
“It’s okay to say you’re scared. You don’t always have to try to smother down everything you feel. You mean something. You’re important. You’re not a burden. Your family doesn’t hate you. The world wouldn’t be better if you were dead.” – u/ thatoneladythere
That you’re not allowed to put yourself first
A lot of families have toxic thinking that you must always be loyal to the family.
Truthfully, it’s more than okay to put yourself first. Your family can still be important to you without you giving up everything for them.
That something good happening means disaster is imminent
If you grew up in a home of dysfunction and chaos, you learned to always “wait for the other shoe to drop.”
So when things were going right, you feared this happiness.
That you can’t ask for help because you have to figure things out on your own
“How to not hide the junk food I order because of fear of judgment. How to accept that what happened to me all those years wasn’t my fault and I was just a kid, I don’t blame myself as much as I used to.” – u/ sarah-exalted
That you’re not allowed to sick days
Many kids had parents who didn’t believe them when they were sick.
They would guilt-trip their kids by saying that they were going to flunk school for missing a day. This has carried on into adulthood with many adults feeling guilty about calling in sick.
That you were a bad child
“Years worth of sexual, mental, and physical abuse made me convinced I was the problem. Also I wasn’t ‘broken’ but more so deflected from the future I should have had.”-u/ auntypickles . Therapy is a huge help to overcome this trauma.
That cleaning is a punishment
Whether you live alone or with someone else, cleaning is something that you need to do. It’s even good for you!
It will clear up the mental clutter in your brain. The more you clean, the more you might even enjoy it.
That men just want to use you and abandon you
“My mother’s endearing way to protect me as a child and ensure that I had commitment issues.” -u/ Chemical_Sin_001 . Sadly, she was likely imposing her own fears about commitment on her child.
