Over here, we’ve got people who are doing just fine.
Then we’ve got the people who are going extra hard. Those people are fine, too. If anything, they inspire us.
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But then, over here, we’ve got the people who are going a bit too hard. What I’m trying to say is that if they were any Spice Girls song, it would be “Too Much.”
1. We all understand that presentation matters, and that, like on Tinder and résumés, things aren’t always going to be what they appear — but this is taking things a bit too far.
You can mess with my career and my relationships, but you need to stay away from my egg sammiches.
2. Ah yes, what brilliant camouflage. Now you can drink like you’re at a frat party on the subway, and people will just think that you’re chugging hand lotion.
Or maybe she is chugging hand lotion. Maybe she’s got a dry mouth. Who are we to judge?
3. Let’s just assume that this person survived (mainly because I’d feel real squidgy laughing about it if they didn’t), this is just about the funniest car accident that’s ever happened.
There are probably cartoons where people have thought of doing this as a joke and they decided not to because they thought it was too ridiculous. The back of that seat looks a bit like Miranda Sings.
4. Getting a tattoo from a franchise you love? Fine. Getting a tattoo featuring a throw-off line from Lord of the Rings? Frankly, also fine.
I don’t know if anyone’s ever been describes as “extra” for their LotR fandom before, but there’s a first time for everything.
5. The next time your kid, niece or nephew, or some random child you’re responsible for ends up complaining about how you cut their sandwich, just pull out this ol’ trick and that should shut them up.
Any parent knows that this won’t, in fact, shut them up, but likely lead to a 45-minute meltdown and a lifetime of trust issues.
6. Times got tough at the old giraffe laundry basket factory, and, unfortunately, the proofreaders were the first ones to go.
My favorite part is that one of the lines is missing the “here,” so it’s like they janked up what was already janky.
7. When people tell you that they’re technically correct, even though they clearly missed the point.
Obviously, the kid was supposed to eat the skin and leave the inside of the grape, like what you put into a bowl of “witch’s eyes” at a haunted house.
I really hope people understand that reference and that I didn’t just have a really messed up childhood.
8. On the one hand, we should be concerned for anyone who’s this oblivious.
But on the other, shouldn’t we be equally concerned with the guy who appears to have entered a, shall we say, amorous relationship with some kind of puma?
9. I hope to some day have as much confidence in anything as this dude has in the restorative powers of duct tape.
Speaking of duct tape, I’m curious if Red Green was a thing that ever made it to the States. It was this weird Canadian show that fetishized duct tape and handiness. It was basically Canada’s answer to Home Improvement .
10. I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t be putting quite so much stock in the advice given to me by desserts that taste like styrofoam.
Or maybe this is actually a message from the universe warning me of my perpetual sense of dissatisfaction toward life. Whoa.
11. Honesty is absolutely always the best policy.
The exception of course is admitting that you vape. Nobody should admit to that.
I actually don’t know why we rag on people who vape so much. They’re like the Nickelback of substance abusers. I promise I’ll do better in the future.
12. Some people would just confront their boyfriend when they caught them cheating, but this woman brought a whole damned PowerPoint filled with all his text messages.
Nothing tops this. I’m officially done. Except not really because there’s definitely more.
13. Ugh, we get it, you’re from Canada.
I’m fine with people dressing for the climate that you’re used to, but god, you don’t have to be so obnoxious about it. “I can barely feel the cold,” says Jacques as he wears cargo shorts in November.
14. A lot of the time, the best thing to do is to just embrace who you are.
But there are times (like this) where the best thing is to actually stop doing what you’re doing and try harder.
15. Well, you can’t say they didn’t deliver on exactly what was promised.
One might end up asking questions like “Why?”, and then also asking “Why?” again, but I don’t think one would ever get the answers they needed.
16. When it comes to Instagram, this kid is the winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Can I just say how much I hate that expression? What does that even mean? Does it come from some kind of carnival where the winner won chicken? Can I go to that carnival?
17. I don’t really see how you could get more aggressive with your loss prevention than this.
Maybe you could put one of those exploding ink packs in each and every M&M, but that sounds like way too much work. Then again, so does tagging all your jerky, so what do I know?
18. That person you meet on Tinder who’s putting up all sorts of warning signs, but you still want to take them for a test drive.
At least, that’s how most of my matches have described me. I take it as a compliment.
19. I knew what was happening and I still keep reading the cup on the right as “joy.”
Maybe I’m actually more optimistic than I realize. Maybe there’s hope for me yet!
20. We all know that person who looks for signs from the universe where there absolutely aren’t any.
Wait a second, though, I’ve got a pun brewing.
If she turned around and rapped on a door with that hand, would you say she’s had a Heart Knock Life?
You’re welcome.
