What is the stupidest thing you have ever heard out of someone’s mouth?
That’s exactly the question asked in a recent r/AskReddit thread .
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Now, I’ve heard some profoundly stupid things come out of people’s mouths before. I’ve also said a few stupid things that make me cringe to think back on. But after reading through the thread, nothing quite compares to its stupidity.
What you don’t believe in can still hurt you.
“My bother in law plastered baby oil all over his body and sat out in the sun for 2hrs. I told him he was going to get skin cancer. His response ‘I don’t believe in skin cancer.’ This is the guy who refuses to have a microwave in his house because ‘they are bad for you.'”
Not all balloons are helium balloons.
“At an old job we had balloons in the office leftover from a kids birthday party in the restaurant. A server comes in, and says ‘Oh balloons!’ She then picked a balloon up OFF THE GROUND, opened it, inhaled the air and said hello all excitedly. She then goes ‘Oh! Why didn’t it work?’ Her face when I explained to her that wasn’t helium she had just breathed in, but some Dad’s breath that’d been in the balloon for hours, was priceless.”
Hacking the Brita paradigm.
“My roommate in college was the queen of face palms. She had a Brita when we moved in together. A year or so later I was filling it up and casually told her ‘these are cool but I don’t want to have to pay for the filters.’ Her response was ‘it’s not that expensive I still have the one it came with’ she then walked up and held the reset button. See, it’s reset now!’
“She legitimately thought holding the button ‘reset’ the filter.”
Pour one out for Pinocchio.
“On a tour bus in Italy. Tourist kept asking to see Pinocchio’s grave. Tour guide explained he wasn’t a real boy. Tourist again said, but where is he buried? He just wasn’t understanding.
“Edit: We were in Florence and the guide was sharing stories about Carlo Collodi, Pinocchio’s creator . She later shared other hilarious stories about things tourists asked about.”
Yeah, that isn’t how pollution works.
“My uncle once said plastic isn’t bad for the environment because ‘it’s not like it’s not of the earth. Everything in it came from here’ I responded with ‘same with nukes’ and he changed the subject.”
We’re through the looking glass.
“‘Tampons have asbestos in them to make you bleed more so you need to buy more of them,’ from a girl at a bar, roughly 2003/2004. I just laughed and said ‘Where’d you hear that, on the internet?’ as this was the era of chain emails and non-facts floating around online. Not surprisingly, yes, she did read it online.”
Work those ears out.
“I’m partially deaf. I’ve been partially deaf since I was 3 years old and I’ve been slowly but surely getting more deaf. I had a manager tell me I needed to ‘work harder’ to get over my hearing loss, there was genuinely no concept of hearing loss being permanent in some cases and no amount of working harder would get rid of it.”
You should’ve seen the other guy.
“This reminded me of the time I drunkenly fell off a golf cart, and said ‘I didn’t hit the pavement as hard as the pavement hit me.’
It’s been years, and my best friend still quotes me on this every few months or so.”
– u/xkikue
Brace for impact.
“Overhearing a conversation on a cruise deck between two people:
‘Look at how many stars there are out there.’
‘Yeah, they’re actually pretty big too. If one crashed all the way in the water over there, it bet it would splash us over here.'”
Someone skipped biology class.
“I’m a vet tech and was giving discharge instructions to dog owner after a neuter.
Owner after dog neuter – ‘So where are his stitches?’
Me- ‘Oh between his legs.’
Him- ‘His front legs or back legs.’
Me-‘……His back legs.’
‘Where do you keep your testicles sir?'”
What’s the difference?
“I had a new girlfriend who asked to a room of my friends, 2 of them Korean, ‘So like what’s the difference between an Asian person and a Chinese person?’ I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
That sounds like a lot of ham.
“I order sliced ham at a grocery store deli and ask if I could have 1 kilogram of shaved ham and the work said we don’t seek kilograms, just grams … so I asked for 1,000 grams of shaved ham.”
It’s big brain time.
“‘I think being cryogenically frozen would be cool because you could see the future. I’d have to bring a space heater or a blanket or something though. I don’t like being cold.’
-Star basketball player in my high school health class.”
Oh, to be in tenth grade.
“There was a girl I went to high school with that had a few good ones that left us all flabbergasted. My favorite was in tenth grade: ‘Meat comes from a factory, it’s not made from animals!’
“Once we stopped laughing and explained to her the reality, she immediately declared she wouldn’t eat meat anymore.”
Life in the 1680s.
“I was working midnights back in the ’80s. It was almost dawn and a few of us were hanging out in the parking lot. Venus was blazing away in the pre dawn sky. I pointed it out to my co-workers and how it was easy to find in the sky. Its positioning in relation to the sun when I got interrupted by one of the guys standing there. He was pretty adamant that the sun revolved around the earth.”
– u/Bork60
Always tough when your baby comes out speaking another language.
“A woman I know adopted a baby from an Eastern European country. Someone who worked in our city’s education system said ‘But when she grows up, how will you understand what she’s saying?'”
Never forget Pearl Harbor (the person).
“My girlfriend and I were playing a mobile trivia game against each other and one of the questions was about Pearl Harbor. I quote:
‘I didn’t know when Pearl Harbor died. How was I supposed to know?'”
So that’s where asthma comes from.
“I worked at a hippy crystal store in the mall. These girls come up and are looking at our amethyst cathedrals (BIG pretty chunks of amethyst). One reached out to touch it and her friend immediately held her back and pulled her away, yelling ‘Don’t touch that! It’s Asthmathyst! Being around it gives you asthma!!’ She was genuinely upset…I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard that one.”
There’s a *New* Mexico?
“I’m from New Mexico. In high school, I was talking with a group of people in my history class about where we were from. When I mentioned I was born and raised in NM, one of the girls (She was from Cali I believe) got really excited and asked if she could see my green card. She had never seen one before, but she was positive that people in this state are given a birth certificate along with a green card. Because of the Mexico part.”
What is this new invention?
“A roommate had to walk to work 2 km in the sun. He asks me how he’d stop his head getting burnt…and asked me for advice on how to put sunscreen in his hair. I suggested a hat. He was floored (mouth dropped open) and thought it was a great solution. He told me I was so clever.”
