Unlike Kylie Jenner, I can’t be in my early 20s and have a baby. The main reason is that I’m too broke, and I’ve killed three cacti in the past two weeks. Yes, cacti, which usually require the least amount of maintenance. Dead. Because of my incompetence.
So, yeah, I can’t really have kids. Also, this article reminded me that I’m probably gonna wait it out several decades before I consider having kids.
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1. Oh, how considerate of you, Gracie!
She’s so sweet. She let her dad know what to expect, did her best to keep the situation under control with that towel, and left a little spell-check note to make sure her dad really knows what’s up.
2. American Horror Story: Season 8.
Someone call Ryan Murphy, because this girl’s gotta be the inspiration for the next season of American Horror Story . I don’t know about you guys, but I’d definitely tune in.
3. “HAHA HACKED!!!”
Timothy looks way too happy for someone who just ruined this dude’s social media presence. We all know how important it is to keep up appearances online, and Timothy literally ruined everything!
4. RIP Snapchat.
I know the update sucks and literally everyone hates it, but these kids just ruined Snapchat forever. Like, Snapchat is officially cancelled. We’ll all be sending around letters every day instead.
5. American Horror Story: Season 9.
Is anyone else this scared for their life from a tweet? Like, I don’t know about you guys, but this would just give me nightmares for a loooong time.
6. American Horror Story: Season 10.
IMAGINE THIS. You’re just enjoying your day, having a cup of tea, looking out onto your porch, then you see this little kid out to terrorize the neighborhood. Get Ryan Murphy here, now.
7. I definitely saw this in the last season of American Horror Story. Anyone?
This wouldn’t be scary if this was during Halloween, because it’d totally make sense. But this seems like a regular Sunday afternoon at the mall, and I’m scared.
8. These kids are too young to be this diabolical.
It’s like the plot of an episode of 24 . It’s intense — there’s betrayal, kids are in danger and getting hurt, etc.
9. Play time just got way too intense.
Kids being this dramatic when they’re this young is both a beautiful and scary thing. Mostly because I used to do stuff like this when I was a kid, and look how I turned out…
10. Can we please just get Ryan Murphy on the phone? Here’s another idea for a new season….
There’s something about dolls and kids that creates the scariest plotline for any horror film, and this tweet’s got all of that.
11. We can’t even have normal selfies anymore 🙁
There are so many things that can go wrong in this scenario, and maybe I’m too old for this, but is anyone’s hip twitching at the thought of slipping and falling in the tub with all of this going on?
12. Puberty who?
Kids these days don’t do puberty. They don’t experience the awkward phase of liking weird music or having your parents shop for your clothes. They just skipped all of that — and it’s NOT FAIR!
13. So much enthusiasm, but so much damage control.
Her smile makes it hard to be mad at her, but omg, if I was this father, I would ball my eyes out immediately.
14. “Noodle Pills are the latest danger to today’s kids.”
How’s that for a headline to really freak your parents out? I’m just glad I’m not the parent trying to figure out what my kids are doing with dry pasta.
15. I can just hear this picture, and my ears hurt.
This happens way too often at Target, and my ears are twitching. Someone let him know that monochromatic outfits are super in right now!!
16. Girl, you had one job….
You ever just wonder how things escalated to this point? I mean, there are so many question marks in my head right now, and it’s made me realize that I refuse to have kids anytime soon.
17. There is nowhere “safe” to keep your makeup bag. A child will always find it.
They’re like a basset hound when it comes to things they shouldn’t get their hands on.
If it’s something you don’t want them to touch, they’re going to touch it.
18. Gotta be prepared for anything!
In what situation would having a bag full of Cheetos not come in handy, right? Next thing you know, she’ll have a backpack full of Mountain Dew.
19. This evil-looking gnome child who’s about to flash the camera.
Say goodbye to the picture you thought would even be a shred decent.
20. I am screaming.
I, too, would probably try to take a bite of something that smelled like chocolate.
You can’t tempt me with that intoxicating smell and expect me to contain myself!
21. This little girl has absolutely zero chill at the idea of a new baby.
It’s important to start disliking children early on. It really prepares you for life as an adult. You go, girl.
22. This is the most uncomfortable-looking dolphin I’ve ever seen in my life.
I can’t decide whether this kid has watched too many people French kiss, or he’s eaten too much canned tuna. Either way, it ain’t right.
23. Big goals for this kid.
I’m not sure he really understood the question.
Either that or he is literally aspiring to be the wooden box at the end of the driveway.
24. If that’s the way mommy is putting on makeup, she’s doing it wrong.
We’re going to need to take mama bear to the nearest makeup counter for a little 101.
25. Hey, let’s not discount the majesty of the noble arctic wordbank.
But kid, you did realize that SEAL was still missing, right? No problem, I get it, seals look like walruses.
26. This little girl who had no shame in sticking her entire foot in her mouth.
Not just the toes, but her FOOT.
And that crazed look in her eyes does not help the situation.
27. Well, it’s good to know that eye makeup can be used for other purposes. Like covering your legs for no apparent reason.
Literally not a single drop made it onto her eyes, and this, my friends, is what we call a “rebel.”
28. I thought I’d seen everything.
Then this girl made her dog drink milk from her mouth… YES, FROM HER MOUTH.
Look at the dog’s facial expression! He clearly hates his life with a passion!
29. “Look, mom! Makeup hands!”
It’s one thing when it gets all over the kid, but it’s another when it gets everywhere.
And that’s $100 to replace the makeup, and another hundred to clean the carpets, and a couple more to replace the bed sheets, and look at that! We’re broke.
30. Kids who should not aspire to be chefs.
Thank you, children, for the toy shark and Lego toast, and whatever the heck that probably terrible tea concoction is.
Please see yourselves out.
31. The most questionable girl of all…
I’m pretty sure church isn’t the place to be drawing the devil?!
Where are her parents? Have they hired an exorcist yet? This is extremely disturbing!
32. The devil incarnate.
Don’t be messing with a man’s food, kid!
Are you allowed to trade kids in? I would totally trade my kid in for pulling this garbage.
