Apparently, the universe doesn’t revolve around you — or even me, for that matter. This comes as a huge shock to anyone who has been coddled by their parents since birth. Don’t be insulted, I’m also talking about myself.
If you’re someone who doesn’t really understand that the world isn’t here to be your personal playground, then you may need to read this article ASAP.
1. If you thought grocery shopping was going to be easy or breezy, you can think again.
Spiders don’t give a crap about your bananas. They really don’t. They just want to weave tangled webs and stuff.
2. The fire drill is only going to be a useful exercise if it comes as a complete and sudden surprise.
Otherwise, it’s just a complete waste of time, and you wouldn’t want that. Would you?
3. I guess you should have just had the money direct-deposited into your account, because carrying cash is a dangerous game.
This is especially true if you are a postal worker. At least the serial numbers look like they’re intact.
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4. Life is like a bag of chips scattered across a damp parking lot, soon to be picked apart by local pigeons.
It’s best you learn this now rather than later.
5. I don’t think that’s how it works, but I do think that’s how you make money on the fly.
This is what I call a hustler. They didn’t set out to find a phone and hold it ransom, but they found one, so why not make the best of it?
6. This is reason 687 why you should reconsider ever spawning another human life form.
The messes they make rival that of a natural disaster. There’s really no way around that fact.
7. I mean, one last “I told you so” is how any petty person would like to leave this earth.
I, on the other hand, require something a tad more dramatic.
8. If your latte is giving you the finger, you need to go back to bed.
There’s really no reason to put on underwear at this point. Just save yourself the trouble and sleep the day away.
9. Thanks for the warning?
At this point, it’s probably too late to do anything about it, but I kinda want to call the police. I feel like sight should be a necessity when it comes to operating a vehicle.
10. Wrong place at the wrong time, kid.
I don’t know why the universe has to pick off the weakest in the herd, but that’s nature for ya. Natural selection doesn’t play around.
11. If you are getting wheeled through these doors for any kind of medical procedure, please throw yourself off the stretcher and run for what’s left of your life.
This is a straight-up bad omen.
12. Panorama mode has never been a friend of mine.
Apparently, it’s a supreme jerk to many people, including this innocent, decapitated man. Hopefully he catches up to his head eventually.
13. This is what privacy looks like, if you define privacy as pooping while making eye contact with your house guest.
Fortunately, that is not how I define privacy. The only living thing I let watch me do my business is my dog and the shower spider.
14. Apparently, there are everyday anarchists that walk among us.
You probably don’t even see them coming. They could be your neighbor, coworker, dentist, or even the man sleeping on the floor of the subway car.
15. I wouldn’t take a tiny sip out of this cup if my life and afterlife depended on it.
I will not be tricked into consuming urine particles. That’s just not how I plan to live my life.
16. Unfortunately, we can’t always get what we want, or even what we need.
Let’s just hope that nobody understands the deeper meaning behind this license plate. Otherwise, you’re probably going to get some pretty weird looks.
