I wasn’t blessed with great teeth, though I’m lucky enough for my issues to be less noticeable than some others. My teeth are mostly straight, but unfortunately my dentist has used the word “chalky” to describe my enamel more than once.
So I’ve spent a good amount of time in the dentist’s office. It didn’t help that I wasn’t the best brusher as a kid, but I think I can safely say that these educational toys would have scared me out of that chair for good.
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Maybe it’s just a childhood scarring after seeing Kermit the Frog with teeth that one time.
It happened in season 15, during one of Grover’s Health Minutes. The image has never left me and it’s all I can think of when I see these plush toys.
Okay, this is worse than Kermit.
A lot of the problem seems to stem from the manufacturers making human teeth fit into an animal face. Plenty of animals have teeth, but not like this!
The new ‘Dumbo’ movie is more terrifying than I realized.
Really, when they first announced Tim Burton was directing I was definitely imagining something closer to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory creepiness than the Big Fish -esque magical realism we got.
Why, yes Doctor, I would love to stare at this the whole time you’re drilling my teeth.
It’s totally not going to traumatize the four-year-old getting their first cavity filled. No siree, Bob.
If you search for “Dental puppets” on Amazon, the results are really something.
This monkey has a removable tongue for some extra creepiness.
The brand is called “SmileMakers.” Sure. Yeah. That’s what kids do when they see this.
And I used to think giraffes were cute…
The blank white eyes make this toy look like it’s screaming at you from atop the cupboard. “Isn’t the dentist fun , Sally?!”
It’s not that lions don’t have teeth. It’s that this is just wrong.
You know how everyone was upset at how Scar looks in the new Lion King remake? Yeah, this is 1000x worse.
Nope. An anthropomorphized tooth doesn’t make this any better.
The red nose makes it look like Pennywise is staring out at me. I can’t even look at it long enough to write a witty caption. Keep scrolling!
I’m not sure which of these is worse.
The giant Dalmation head with a mouth full of braces or the fish with human teeth. I’m leaning towards the dog, if only because there is a worse fish to come.
I think this is supposed to be a kangaroo.
I’m still not entirely sure, though. The image on the chest and what looks like a zippered pouch below is the only evidence I can possibly go by.
I think a hand puppet version just makes it worse.
Now instead of a silent, staring monstrosity, kids can’t trust that the toy will suddenly come alive and start snapping those chompers at them.
This bear is actually not that bad.
I mean, the teeth are still weird, but they fit the mouth a lot more naturally than a lot of the others do.
I take it back; bears are still terrifying.
I assume that these aren’t made like this, but rather have lost a few teeth over years of children throwing them across the room in fear.
Here’s another big cat with the wrong kind of teeth.
Why is this scarier than a mouth full of fangs? Like, logically, they’ll do less damage than the sharp ones, but ugh. Just no.
What even is this?
It’s like a four-armed cross between Barney and some sort of insect…with human teeth. Add in the broken chompers and it’s the stuff of nightmares.
Congratulations. You’ve found a way to cure children of their obsession with unicorns.
Although, considering that they’ll be having nightmares about them instead isn’t really an improvement.
It doesn’t help that the horn kind of looks like a giant thumb.
And Pooh Bear wondered why Christopher Robin never visits anymore.
It’s bad enough when they put the teeth in generic animal plushies, but don’t mess with childhood favorites, please and thanks.
“O HAI, kids!”
If you’re sick of watching Finding Nemo on repeat, this is a sure-fire way to never have to sit through it again.
I suppose this makes a good cautionary example.
Want kids to fear cavities and gingivitis? Just show them this. They’ll never skip flossing again.
Of course, they’ll never sleep again either, but it’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons.
