Let’s be honest: Life is just one long, 70-year sequence of betrayals.
From discovering that Santa Claus isn’t real to learning that no, a four-year university degree does not guarantee you a job, we’re all just treading water in a giant sea of deception, with only a couple of Dora the Explorer pool floaties to help keep us afloat.
…Sorry. I’ve been betrayed a lot.
1. I’m going add this one to the list of reasons that I shouldn’t start eating healthier.
I’ll put it right under time , money , and effort .
“Eat me, I’m good for you!” says the apple. Next thing ya know, you’ve got six fingers.
2. Thankfully, I’m an English major, which means I have no idea whether or not that’s a good return on investment.
You gotta spend money to lose money, right?
Although, for the record, I spent $100,000 to go to frat parties and skip my 8 a.m. classes, thank you very much.
RELATED STORIES
3. “Our amenities include evolution-speed WiFi, a fitness center with three dumbbells (none of which are the same weight), and a hot tub filled with dirt.”
Of course, the real ad probably just said “hot tub,” which sucks, because how can you say they lied?
4. This truly breaks my heart, soul, and spirit.
The bottom, chocolate-filled part of an ice cream cone completes the ice cream experience. This isn’t even an ice cream cone anymore! It’s an ice cream tube !
There are broken dreams, and then there are broken experiences.
5. Did this condom recall ad just call children an “inconvenience”?
To be fair, are they wrong? I don’t have kids, but I’ve seen them at grocery stores, and they never look convenient to me.
Anyway, condoms: 98% effective, except when they’re not.
6. Picture this: You’re feeling nostalgic about your childhood, so decide to have some Pop-Tarts. Turns out, you had a horrible childhood.
Did your childhood innocence deceive you? Have Pop-Tarts always looked this awful?
7. If I had a quarter for every failed tattoo I’ve seen, I’d have hundreds of dollars in my “Remove my failed tattoo” fund.
I don’t have any tattoos yet, but I’m confident that if I do get inked, it’ll be trash and I’ll need to remove it.
8. This is what happens when you ask for “a blueberry muffin.”
Ever since I saw this photo, I’ve been asking for “a muffin with multiple blueberr_ies_ in it — at least 10–15 — and a small coffee” at Starbucks.
9. Hey, Frito Lay, just because it’s a “Snack Mix” doesn’t mean you can throw cheese-dusted wood chips in there.
On the bright side, I bet it tastes better than the pretzels.
10. I put a lot of trust in my microwave cover. Even when it sounds like the Fourth of July in there, I know it’s got my back.
But if I can’t even trust a microwavable plastic lid, what’s left in the world?
11. Fruit Smiles? More like Fruit Sneers when there’s a grand total of five in the pack.
Pfft, Great Value? For who? A colony of ants? I feel like I’m being taunted.
12. “Everyone, say ‘Cheese!’ Great. Now let’s take another one, but this time, everyone exclude Jared from the fun.”
Fun fact: Jared actually broke his ankle attempting a jumping photo pose, so he’s come full circle.
13. If this is your seat at someone’s wedding ceremony, you’re probably a +1.
Actually, this could be a blessing in disguise. At least, if the ceremony is boring, you can catch some Z’s without the wedding party noticing.
14. No machine hates the human race more than the vending machine.
If we ever find ourselves in an I, Robot situation, trust and believe that it’ll be vending machines, not androids, that rise up against us.
15. These bananas don’t want to be eaten, they want to be frozen, defrosted, and turned into banana bread.
This looks like fruit betrayal, but it’s actually just the banana saying, “I’m grossly ripe, you don’t want any of this.”
16. This isn’t fruit betrayal, either. It’s fruit bowl betrayal.
Banana hooks are a cool, trendy kitchen accessory until they start peeling your fruit for you. Blame gravity, too.
17. Now, this is what I call fruit betrayal. By definition, it’s when a piece of fruit looks totally normal, but inside, it’s a disgusting, inedible nightmare.
I mean, you could eat this, if you were a psychopath.
18. Umbrellas are constantly betraying people by flipping inside-out whenever the wind picks up. This, however, is a new low.
The design of an umbrella hasn’t been updated in over a century, which is pretty messed up because it’s not as if this is one of those “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” situations.
IT’S. BROKE.
19. Any employer who doesn’t find this story hilarious isn’t worth working for anyway.
In fact, if I were an employer, I’d be more like to hire this man based on sympathy alone.
This is probably one of the many reasons why I don’t own a business.
20. You know when the cashier at the shoe store double-checks that your shoe sizes match, and you’re like, “This is pointless, obviously they match”? Yeah, think again.
I will never take that moment for granted ever again.
21. Turns out, you can actually betray yourself. In this case, it’s with unrealistic life expectations.
Be like me and avoid all of life’s disappointments by creating absolutely zero goals for yourself.
22. Well, Hazel, you’re a part of the team now.
I know absolutely nothing about sports, but I’m pretty sure that this is some sort of honor among athletes. So, congrats?
23. Like, it’s in the second cookie? Because if that’s the case, then this is the most accurate fortune in history.
Of course, this wouldn’t work if the person had opened this cookie second…
24. Imagine buying concert tickets for you and your dad, and #10 ends up being your seat. Worst father-son day ever.
Luckily, if this is an Iron Maiden concert, the whole arena will turn into a mosh pit soon, and all the chairs will be broken anyway.
Sometimes, betrayal works itself out.
