Have you got everything ready? Car’s all packed? Kids are all secure? You’ve got your boarding passes and your proof of purchase of your hotel reservation? Well then, we’re ready to go on this trip that I’ve planned for you.
Every one of these images is a stop on the road to wherever it is we’re going. Does it seem like I’ve lost track of the metaphors in this introduction? Yes, it does.
1. Boy, oh boy. I thought this picture was fun when it just seemed like the guy was about to serve a watermelon.
But then someone pointed out that the guy in the top right looked like he was having his face sucked by a platypus, and my whole day got better.
2. Honestly, I think I might be willing to pay more for a sassy UberEats experience.
They’d start the banter, but I’d give it right back. By the time they arrive, the tension is so high that we have no choice but to make out. Hold on, I’ve got a story idea I need to get out of my system.
3. While, on the one hand, this seems abhorrently disgusting to me, I think that everybody knows somebody who would do this.
I find that the people who are obsessed with ketchup are also the kinds of people who’ll put just plain vinegar on their fries. Aka, monsters.
4. Why is this cat me?
I know that people make a huge deal about cats, but until this moment, I didn’t get it. I still think that most cat love is ridiculous, but for this cat, I’m willing to make an exception.
5. Finally, someone is taking the time to care about car ornaments.
If you’re hot, they’re hot. If you’re cold, they’re cold. Let’s take a moment to think about someone other than ourselves, shall we?
6. I don’t know if this was a huge fail or exactly what these folks were trying to do, but the evil part of me is grateful that all of this happened.
7. Sometimes friends can come from the most unexpected places.
This is why I always send pictures of shopping carts to random numbers. That’s how all my best friendships have started.
8. They say to never meet your heroes, apparently this is why.
Growing up, my hero was Orel Hershiser. That’s not setting up for a joke or anything, I just wanted you to learn something about me.
9. Oh, when I said that we were going on a trip, I didn’t warn you that part of this would be going on a feel trip.
Like a field trip. But without a magic school bus.
10. Here, Tabitha demonstrates an alternative method of dealing with peer pressure when your friends want you to drink.
If you just do physical comedy, your friends will forget all about wanting to see you get hammed
11. I’ve heard of stoolpigeons before, but this seems somehow even more ridiculous.
That probably says more about my innate distrust of pigeons than anything else. You just never know what they’re up to.
12. If you told me that this was plasticine packed into a microwavable bowl, I would believe you.
Then again, I’m a pretty gullible guy. Seriously, I’ll believe anything you say.
13. I think that the TSA is there for security, and not to judge my lifestyle choices, alright, Karen???
I don’t know why I’ve named her Karen. She could have just as easily been a Brenda or a Lori.
14. Everybody: Dylan, why are you always riding the drama llama? Me:
And the answer is, because I make it look good, okay? Sure, it’s not becoming to be good at creating drama, but I’m going to butter my bread where I can.
15. And now it’s time for my favorite summertime game: hot dog or legs?
I once got this answer very wrong and ended up trying to eat my own legs. It was a whole thing.
16. I don’t know how they do things in Finland, but I’m pretty sure they’re doing them right.
Unless, wait, does the cigarette go into the coffee? Because that’s less than great.
RELATED STORIES
17. I didn’t think I would read any of these words in this order today, and yet here we are.
I’m suspicious of anyone who tips this well. That’s so much generosity for a frozen pizza.
18. On today’s episode of Things I’d Drink Once And Then Tell People About For Three Weeks…
Honestly, I’d love it if Capri Sun did something like this where there were mystery packs where some of the flavors were just crazy gross.
19. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to tell the difference between somebody making a joke and somebody being completely off their rocker.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve seen someone do with a log since Twin Peaks .
20. Good luck getting this out of your head.
Unless you aren’t picking up on what they’re doing here. In which case, you must be so confused right now. I don’t apologize for that.
21. Just like any power, makeup can be used for both good or evil.
She clearly has some skills — check out that highlight game — but honestly, sometimes less is more.
22. I’ve watched this a good dozen times and I’m still tripped out by it.
I tried to convince myself that this was just filmed in reverse or something, but that would still be hella impressive.
23. This whole time you’ve been spending money on Magic Eye books like a sucker when you could’ve just been stacking chairs.
It’s got all the trippiness of optical illusions, with 65% less eye strain.
24. Now we get to play my all-time favorite game — Is this a thumb or haircut?
I’m gonna land on haircut because I can’t imagine finding a wig small enough to fit on a thumb.
