If only the great philosophers throughout history had been set up on Twitter, then they needn’t have spent their time writing such weighty and arduous texts. Imagine if Nietzsche had been able to just tweet, “God is dead, and it was all your fault, you chonky boii!” In fact, I might get that on a t-shirt.
Well, even though the great minds throughout history weren’t able to tweet, I do have some great modern thinkers for you listen to — so here are 12+ tweets that are really on to something. Enjoy!
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Let The Purging Begin
“Can I have that latte decaf, with coconut milk, dry, and extra hot please?”
“Of course, but I will be throwing it square in your damn face, okay?”
“Huh. You Might Be On To Something There…”
But, where do they live? And what do they look like? I bet everybody imagines they’d be all cute, but I reckon they’ll be some kind of giant spider!
What’s Wrong With You?
“What’s wrong with that guy?”
*Opens up phone and presses it to the guy’s head: “Says he’s a dick.”
The Answer To All Of Our Problems
I can’t see a single thing that I don’t like about this plan. I can’t think of a single problem that it wouldn’t solve… except the problem of there being too many wolves around.
The Paper Straw Conundrum
When I worked at Costa, I had a woman tell me that her adolescent child wanted a plastic straw. I explained that we only had paper ones and apologised. The woman then told me that her child was allergic to paper, and went on a fifteen minute rant. I think about it a lot.
Date Night Idea
If you turned up at a bar and someone you’d matched with on Tinder had planned this out, would you stay or go? I’d be quite curious to see how it played out.
The Only Exception
I also hate selfie-sticks; however, this single use may just about justify the entire existence of this product.
To Chat Or Not To Chat?
I would very much like this to be a feature. Are you as talker or a sit-and-thinker. I change by the days but mostly I’m a sit-and-thinker.
New Dating App Idea
Good lord, can you imagine the conversations that these people would have on this dating app? It makes your hair stand on end, the very thought of their DM chains.
Rage Against The Toaster
No, you fool, they clearly meant for you to be raging against Roombas, the most evil of all the machines.
The Invention Of Archery
Laziness really is the mother of invention. Why go over there and poke him with your knife when you can throw it?
Everyone Has A Bad Week Every Now And Then
I might get that inspiration Darwin quote tattooed across my chest, it really speaks to me after all.
If A Tree Falls In The Woods…
So that is the answer to the age-old question. Yes, trees are foul-mouthed bast*rds after all. I’ve wanted to know for so long.
The Solution To The Oscars
Now that he brings it up, I genuinely don’t know a single person who gives a rat’s ass about the oscars. Is there anyone left out there who does?
The Most Important Meal Of The Day?
I can’t believe how long we swallowed that whole, “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day” crap for? Well, not any more!
The Modern Spam Filter
Oh, what? I’m just meant to answer my phone now? If I’m ignoring your text messages it means I don’t want to talk to you, don’t try and get around that fact by calling me.
I Need To Know How Many!
The answer is 57 and a quarter, by my count. However, the happiness is very fleeting, and is followed by violent vomiting.
Dog Library
A lot of universities actually already use therapy dogs as a way to combat stress in their students and help with student’s mental health.
Did It Work?
It’s always important to be able to make s’mores when you’re on the go. You never know when you’ll want some.
The Worst Way To Start The Day
I love starting the day out with a run, it really helps to… nah, sorry, I can’t even pretend. Sit on the edge of your bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes every morning like a normal person instead of running!
