You guys ever feel like sometimes you’re not the main character in your own movie, but you’re more like that unnamed background extra who barely even makes it into the credits and who had one speaking line that got scrapped in the final cut of the film?
Yeah, same.
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When you get feeling that sort of bad way, you can always count on the ladies of Twitter to make you laugh and remind you that you’re no supporting character — you’re a damn star , baby.
So here are some of the best tweets from this week to make you feel like the Meryl Streep we all know you really are.
Mistakes were made.
The best way to discipline a naughty cat at Christmastime is to publicly shame him online. That’s what all the latest literature says, trust me.
Honesty is the best policy, right?
This is like my 9-year-old cousin who politely pulled me aside at Thanksgiving dinner to tell me my shirt was cut too low and he was losing his appetite.
It’s always the ones you think you can trust who disappoint you the most.
I’m really not a fan of past-me. That monster has been leaving me her problems to solve and messes to deal with for years .
The dream.
I can admit that I’ve never seen my boyfriend look at me the same way he looks at a Costco free sample table that has a toaster oven on it.
Everyone knows those are the best ones.
Jean shopping is not for the faint of heart.
There is nothing more disheartening than trying to shove your thighs inside a pair of white-washed jeans with absolutely no give to them while a bubbly woman outside the change room door asks how everything’s fitting.
I didn’t realize I ordered a side sass with my Taco Bell.
Does this man get a bigger tip or a smaller one? You decide.
What’s that like?
While we’re at it, what’s it like doing a half-up/half-down hairdo without someone telling you you look like Legolas from Lord of the Rings ?
Catch me in the kitchen reheating the same mug of coffee three times.
What’s this fresh coffee you people speak of? My taste buds only know the grainy, lukewarm taste of a cup that’s spun around in the microwave until it tastes like that plate of spaghetti I reheated in there last night.
I was young, I was a fool.
I’d also like to take this time to apologize to zucchini and mushrooms and tomatoes and all those other foods I once turned my nose up at. Please forgive me.
Tragic.
There’s nothing more upsetting than waking up, realizing you’re awake, and having to deal with that nonsense.
Unsubscribed.
Good luck getting through to customer service, though.
My kind of party.
You can also find me hiding in the room with all the coats while I play with the party host’s cat and wait until it’s a socially acceptable time to leave.
Or, you know, several stories.
You don’t know true fear until you’ve overestimated your body’s ability to handle edibles and found yourself having a panic attack at 3 in the afternoon while watching a Seinfeld rerun.
I mean, that’s what I’ve heard anyway…
They’re like a traveling therapist, really.
Some of my best conversations have happened inside an Uber. Think: middle school sleepover-level deep discussions and you’ve got the right idea.
That’s it, that’s exactly the face they make.
Why do kids stick out their weird little tongues while they cough? And while we’re at it, why they gotta cough all over us ?
The hassle of it all.
Applying to jobs online is a damn marathon because just when you think you’ve filled out every possible question and detail they could want, then comes the page asking you for a personal essay on why you feel you’d be an asset to the PetSmart family.
She deserves it.
Look, I know most of the guys on those shows aren’t exactly Prince Charming but anyone’s better than a man that gets you a damn workout bike for Christmas.
This is my level of passivity.
I would take that milk and sip it all the way home while I convince myself I can definitely taste hints of green tea in there while trying to forget this cup of iced milk cost me $7.
They never saw him coming.
Honestly? I’d still watch that.
Pinterest be like that.
I have never owned my own home but you can bet when that day finally comes I’ll know exactly which color of tile I want to go on the floor in the spare bathroom.
I’m well aware of my call history, thanks.
Unless it says it’s my mom or my dad calling, I refuse to answer my phone. And I will put you straight through to voicemail if you try calling me twice in a row. Don’t test me.
My makeup bag is filled with baby samples.
Awfully optimistic of them to shove those three Chapstick-sized mascaras into a bag and add tissue paper like they’re giving me a damn present.
Razzle dazzle.
For my next trick, I’ll expertly leave a party by 9 PM and be noticed by absolutely no one.
Being bored is awfully pricey.
Either I spend a disgusting amount of money on clothes or I eat a disgusting amount of McDonald’s in my car. “Free” time is a lie .
It’s just not possible, I’m sorry.
Once the girls have been released, there’s just no going back again. That bra hit the floor and I’m not touching it again until tomorrow morning.
Those gift guides for men are USELESS.
I’m sorry, but I’m positive my dad has no need for a personal golf ball washer or a $30 “make-your-own craft beer set” but thanks for those super helpful suggestions.
Those fellas from the 1400s wouldn’t have been able to resist me.
I’m sure the ladies back then appreciated this guy’s soft chin, bobbed haircut and fish lips, but I think we can all agree “Philip the Handsome” was a bit of a generous title.
Look, all I’m saying is he wouldn’t be winning People’s Sexiest Man Alive if he were in the running today.
Back-right, how about you?
That wacky burner is nothing like the rest of them and just can’t seem to calm TF down when I ask it to.
If you started catching feelings for him when he took his hat off…
But the real test of your emotions happens when he cuts his hair. If you suddenly don’t feel anything anymore then I think you found your answer, sis.
If you catch me staring down at my plate during dinner, this is what I’m thinking about.
One time this really cute waiter at this Italian place I was at wouldn’t leave our table until I said “bolognese” properly which sounds like an adorable story until you learn I later overheard him telling the hostess that some “blond” at table eleven couldn’t say “bolognese” right.
Done and done.
Can we all agree we’d be better off if employers would just get with the times and start doing text interviews?
Welcome to adulthood, sis.
If you can stumble home from a party at 3 AM and still manage to wash what’s left of your makeup off your face and put on your night cream then bravo, you’re officially a woman.
My daily itinerary.
Bold of you to assume I don’t start snacking til 2:30. Once lunch is done I’m back in that kitchen rooting through the cupboards until dinnertime rolls around. We don’t take food breaks, not in this house.
Who knew?
I also enjoy shoveling handfuls of popcorn into my mouth like I haven’t eaten in days and then fishing out the pieces that fall into my bra because no one gets left behind when a bag of popcorn costs $20.
