16+ Hilarious Tweets From Women To Satisfy You More Than Gary Ever Could

But no, we're out here marrying the average-working loves of our lives like idiots.

I do this same thing with particularly reflective windows and picture frames, too. I'm not vain but I am obsessed with knowing what I look like at all times. What's that called?

This is also why you'll catch me ordering pizza the same day I drop $150 at the grocery store because though my fridge may be full, my motivation to cook is non-existent.

Be prepared to dump handfuls of those greens into a pot and still not have enough for one serving because spinach isn't out here trying to be your friend.

Bad day? Take that bra off, let the girls breathe, and remember that life isn't so bad when moments like this exist.

It's sort of like a chaotic memory game where your brain takes in the trash in your room and you manage to remember there's a single bobby bin in your dresser drawer but good luck remembering where you just put your phone down.

Catch me in 2021 for the sequel: thicker and richer.

I woke up today full intending on being mediocre, thank you very much.

Trick question. It's all movies.

I'd personally like to also add "divorcee who got married too young and will now overcompensate for that for the next twenty years."

To her credit, she was probably super embarrassed and decided to just try to play it cool in the hopes her mom didn't see and write about her chair mishap on Twitter.

Which would you rather take pictures in front of — a mountain with a bunch of old, white dead men on it or Destiny's Child?

Thank you, next.

When my grandma got a smart phone, I had to write down step-by-step instructions explaining how to insert emojis into a text message.

Personally, I never feel more accomplished than when I fold and put away freshly washed towels in the same day. That's peak adulthood, my friends.

I will also sign the note with a smiley face just to keep things light, you know?

Air travel turns us into starving vultures. It's about time we all just accept that.

"Excuse me, sorry for interrupting but I just walked in on this little disagreement and I need y'all to start over so I can catch up and decide who's right for myself. Thank you."

When you watched Sound of Music as a child, Georg von Trapp was a terrifying authoritarian who never smiled and who eventually sang a boring song on the guitar.

Once you got older, he turned into an absolute zaddy who had you saying "cap, you can do re mi any day." That, my dear friends, is called puberty.

If an Italian woman says it's okay to eat pasta every day then bada-boom-bada-bring on the spaghetti, sis.

This will be my reaction the next time one of my dinner guests (or my boyfriend) tells me the carrots are under cooked.

The ending of Titanic is significantly less satisfying after you realize sis literally ditched her life-long partner to go spend eternity with some guy that taught her how to spit once.

Everyone gives their opinions and everyone gets a final say before the last draft is actually sent. We're all in this together, ladies.

This is why I have to wear tee-shirts to bed, otherwise I wake up with my ladies all Willy Wonka and hanging out of my tank top like they couldn't breathe at 4 in the morning.

I used to get so fired up listening to "Before He Cheats" that I think I was convinced I, too, had been cheated on. When you hurt Carrie, you hurt all of us.

Imagine going to your friend's birthday party and singing "Happy Birthday" and then having to just sit and watch as they eat their cake alone.

I guarantee those twins will end up at summer camp together and you can bet shenanigans will ensue.

I take naps after I eat lunch because somehow I exhausted myself eating Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

This is why I'll never be queen someday.

I will skip through all of your Instagram stories about Spotify wrapped but I expect all of you to watch mine carefully and then message me your thoughts on my results.

I've seen professionals like this in my own grocery stores.

I say "professionals" because every time I pass them in an aisle, they have a new cookie in their hands. Don't ever be fooled; kids know exactly what they're doing with those tears.

I will also accept a box of donuts or a big tub of ice cream.

I've also been told I resemble Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and a founding father when I wear a low ponytail so suffice it to say, I no longer wear low ponytails.

He'll also make fun of you for never knowing how to fish in the first place as if he didn't just learn yesterday because men are what? Trash.

My grandma used to always have meat and cheese platters ready for such an occasion but if anyone just popped by my apartment for a lil' visit, they'd be treated to an assortment of stale cookies and a bell pepper that's been in my crisper for way longer than it should be.

Get you a man that will not only be seen with you after you buy tampons, but who will actually offer to go in the store and buy them himself when crampy-cramps gotcha down.