The following article is satire, and just meant to be freakin’ hilarious.
The tragic tale of one man’s struggle to find literally anything that he was looking for in a recently stocked fridge has been tugging at the heartstrings of all people — but mainly fellow men — across the internet.
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The man’s wife has since claimed that the fridge was full and that she didn’t see how he could possibly have needed any help finding anything in it. The event has helped raise awareness for an incredibly irritating condition that affects many men, called, “Fridge Blindness.”
The man in question, who asked to remain anonymous, claimed his wife didn’t hear his cries for help as he stood helplessly in front of the fridge.
Jeff, as we have decided to call him for the purposes of this report, told Aunty Acid News from his hospital bed, “I was standing in front of the fridge looking for the butter to make a sandwich for at least…well over a couple of minutes, but the butter didn’t leap out at me and smack me in the face so I just couldn’t see it.”
Jeff’s long-suffering wife, Sandra, also told us that, “If he had made literally any effort to actually move things and look for the butter then this whole annoying fiasco could have been avoided.”
Jeff eventually fainted after not being provided with the food he wanted, and was rushed to hospital.
From his hospital bed, Jeff continued to protest to our reporters that there was nothing in the fridge that he could possibly have eaten, and that there was certainly no butter — all while Sandra stood by his side, looking mighty-pissed and holding the very tub of butter that he claimed was nonexistent.
“He does it with the pickles all the time,” Sandra told us through a tired expression. “He claims there are none in the fridge, and when I go to check, they’re right there in the side draw. This time I thought, ‘enough,’ he’s a big boy, he can find things in the fridge on his own…how wrong I was.”
In scattered mumbles, Jeff tried to argue that pickle jars had the ability to make themselves invisible and that there was no such thing as a fridge drawer, that they’re just made up to scare naughty husbands, but he eventually fainted once more from exhaustion.
Jeff has since set up a charity for similar men who struggle to find things in fridges, called, “Fridging Hell Jeff!”
In an attempt to get men who suffer from Fridge Blindness — or, ‘can’t-be-arsed-looking-for-things-properly-ness’ as Sandra termed it — Jeff wants scientists to look into inventing glasses that specifically help those suffering from Fridge Blindness, or maybe special packaging that screams your name when you’re looking for it.
Sandra is yet to be convinced about the efficacy of such methods when it comes to treating Fridge Blindness.
Sandra has called the charity work, “a load of hogwash,” and instead has suggested that men suffering from Fridge Blindness, “need to just learn how to look for things properly like grown adults instead of just glancing in and giving up when the thing they’re looking for isn’t right in front of their eyes!”
If you are currently living with someone who suffers from Fridge Blindness, then you have my greatest sympathies.
If your beloved also can’t seem to find anything in the fridge and gives up at the drop of a hat claiming “There’s nothing to eat in this house,” then I want you to know that I am here for you and that this is a safe space for you to share any stories or feelings you have about this incredibly irritating anomaly!
I hope you enjoyed this story, God knows it was cathartic for me to write! If you also live with someone who moans about not being able to find anything in the fridge then please let me know, it can’t just be something I have to deal with on a daily basis surely?
Love to you all,
Aunty Acid x
