Everyone’s got their thing , you know?
Carrie four houses down is really good at making fresh pressed juice; Your dad’s friend Marco is pretty swell at sanding and staining antique furniture for his Etsy store; your ex-boyfriend Brad is…um…he’s good at…uh…he’s got his thing. I’m sure someone will figure out what it is.
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The point is, not everyone on this earth is destined to be the next Albert Einstein, and that’s okay. You can be smart in some ways and less smart in others (or smart in neither, like Brad), but it doesn’t mean that you’re any less worthy of respect (except for Brad).
However, it does mean that sometimes, you’ve got to ask for a little help when you get in a situation in which you have no clue what the heck is going on. The following people unfortunately didn’t take this advice, and now have to wear their poor critical thinking skills like a badge of honor. Unless you’re Brad, this level of stupidity just can’t be beat.
Electric Avenue
Why buy an umbrella when you could use a Macbook? Maybe she got a $2000 hair cut?
I’d like to make a joke connecting how wet this girl is about to be with Brad’s inability to cause such events, but I won’t.
In The Bag
This is just like the time Brad said we were ‘going steady’ when he really meant that we were on a ‘steady decline’. Too funny.
Ice Ice Baby
Weird—how did someone get a photograph of Brad’s icy, frozen, dead heart?
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, even if you are the help. All kinds of Triple A are more helpful than Brad, including the batteries.
Robo Cop
To be honest though, this is kind of fair. I once dated an emotionless metal machine shell with no concept of empathy and a tenacious appetite for Internet cat-fishing.
On Top Of The World
They probably meant what time it was installed, but sometimes people just take things a little too literally.
Like that time I sarcastically told Brad that if he liked my sister so much he could marry her, and he actually like, did that.
The Christmas Squid
This person couldn’t understand why there were squids on this Christmas wrapping paper. To be fair, can we really blame him?
As we grow and experience life, we learn to see things through other people’s perspectives. Like how from Brad’s perspective, he’s a great kisser.
Extra Credit
This should be a learning lesson for all of us to not act based on assumptions before we have all the information. Like when my Grandfather added me on Facebook Brad .
ManniCAN’T
Ever waited in line behind mannequins for just a tad too long for it to seem normal?
Tag yourself: I’m the woman waiting 1000 years for my lifeless plastic male counterpart to make a move even though he just doesn’t have what it takes.
Sparks Fly
Some things just don’t go together: Propane and fire; orange juice and toothpaste, Brad and anyone.
I’m So Board
Taping a piece of paper to a clip board makes virtually no sense, like my relationship with he-who-must-not-be-named.
Think BAD, but with an R after the B.
My Body’s Plastic, It’s Fantastic!
Life Hack # 1: Plastic cutting boards shouldn’t be used as cooking trays.
Life Hack # 2: If you happen to make this mistake, you’re still a better cook than Brad.
Baby Maker
This barber has rendered something effective completely useless. Like when you have a good thing, and you just totally ruin it.
Like you just pierce it right to its core and completely annihilate any chance of reconciliation Brad .
Pear Are You Going?
This woman’s office has a collection of plastic pears that unsuspecting visitors keep trying to take bites out of.
Bet you I can name another thing that’s fake.
You Jump I Jump
It’s easy to get all those Leos mixed up. Leonardo DiCaprio; Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo the Ninja Turtle; Leo like the astrological sign I will never engage with in a romantic way for the rest of my miserable life; there’s just so many!
I Key You
Hey now, maybe this person just wants to ensure that all of his various visitors are able to enter the communal home space even when he is out running errands.
Or maybe he has too much trust, like the kind of trust that people named Brad take advantage of.
On The Wall
This art exhibit was mistaken for an actual car and given a parking ticket, because even though it acts completely absurd, people somehow took it seriously.
Just like frat boys. In this essay I will…
Against The Grain
You can’t electorate the process of something just because you’re impatient. Water absorption doesn’t work that way. Neither do relationships.
Take It Back Now Y’all
Always gotta do things the hard way, even when there’s an obvious easy solution, right Brad?
The GoFundMe Is Linked Below
This reminds me of the time Brad owed me $168.00 and asked me if he could borrow $32.00 “just to make it even.”
My Good Side
I understand—it’s only natural to think that the entire world revolves around you and that you’re an undiscovered celebrity whose random selfies will somehow grant them fame. Ask Brad, he could tell you all about it.
Prime Real Estate
Aw, now these people are trapped in a situation they don’t want to be in. Hear that Brad? How long were we trapped Brad?
Sink Or…Sink
Driving on a frozen lake is pretty stupid, but you know what? It’s not as stupid as, let’s say, accidentally putting window washer fluid in your gas tank. Brad has done that.
Round And Round We Go
This just isn’t going to work.
Oh, the straps threaded through the wheel in the photograph won’t work either.
Spill The Beans
Always got to make a show of things, no matter how much of a mess you make in doing so Brad .
Give A Dog A Bone
Sometimes you mean to say one thing, but it comes out as another. Like how sometimes you date someone, but you’re also dating another person at the same time even though the relationship was supposed to be monogamous.
Safe And Sound
This is obscenely dumb. So is Brad. Next!
Love Is An Open Door
Here is a good example of backwards thinking. Sometimes you make such a big mistake that you can never make something work the way it’s supposed to. Ever again. Ever.
cough. cough.
Cut The Chord
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it is broke, also don’t fix it. Get a new one. Dump the old one on Valentine’s day in the middle of an Olive Garden.
Beach Day
Well, there’s nothing they can do about that bad decision making now. It’s far too late. Might as well let it sink beneath the earth where it belongs, right Brad?
Somebody Should Probably Tell Her
Just because something seems like it could work, doesn’t mean it will. Remember that ladies.
Hot Stuff
I’m not a cooking expert, but I don’t think that’s how rice cookers work. There’s no point heating up something that can just heat up itself, because if you try to intervene with your mediocre skills, you’re just eliminating the pleasure all together.
Right Brad?
The Upside Down
Did no one show this girl how to put in hair extensions?
Did no one show Brad how to cook or clean or do taxes or book doctors appointments or properly tie his shoes or how to treat people with respect?
Imma give both a big N.O.
Foresight
Sometimes, you just gotta make a plan. Plans help you avoid certain instances. Plans prevent mistakes that can’t be fixed. What was your plan, Brad? Were you just gonna send me an invitation to the wedding and let me find out that way?
The Game Of Life
Ah, getting trapped in a claw game thing. Getting trapped in an unfulfilling relationship full of instability and disappointment. Aren’t we all trapped in one way or another?
Curly Fry
Fun fact: you need to turn something on, or nothing gets hot.
Christmas In July
You know those people who have to make everything harder for themselves?
You know who I mean.
Shred It Like A Dog Bed In A Dryer
This person really messed up, though at least the bed has never been dryer.
Want to know who else has never been dryer Brad?
Concrete Jungle
Too easy of a joke to make here (he’s stuck, I was stuck, bla bla bla,) so instead, I’ll treat you to a new rendition of my favorite song by TLC:
No, I don’t want no Brad
Brad is a guy who can’t get no love from me
Hanging from the passenger’s side of my sister’s ride
Trying to DM meeeeeee
Dry Erase
Ready for another one?
Bradley now we got bad blood
You know it used to be semi-mediocre love
So take a look at who you, um, truckeeddd
Bradley now we got BAD BLOOD
Boo Hoo
These cookies were accidentally put on patient trays in a hospital for Halloween.
Brad loves holidays. You know what he did for April Fool’s day? Nothing, because he’s already a joke.
Options
Certain people tend to gravitate towards trouble, even when it is difficult to do so. What’s your car insurance at now Brad?
Just For Show
How can something be that FAKE???
Oh, the mantle was pretty fake too.
Rise To The Occasion
Dough will continue to rise if you leave it long enough.
Brad will cheat if you’re with him long enough.
Hear that Karen? This is your only warning.
The Whole Shabang
If you decide to take on something, Karen , you’re the one who has to deal with the aftermath. No one’s gonna come help you with your groceries , or your crumbling marriage Karen, the world doesn’t work that way. Brad will always be Brad.
Fresh A Va Ca Do
I love when ice cream has secret ingredients just as much as I love when people named Brad have secret side girls who they hit up in their Instagram DM’s—I don’t.
What A Phony!
There’s no use forcing something that just isn’t meant to work.
You know what I’m talking about.
Seeing Is Believing
There are so many things to compare here: Hilariously dumb thinking; an inability to notice things that are right in front of you; literally just making stuff up as you go along.
But you know what? We don’t need to compare those things. Let’s take the high road. As the singing group TLC once said, “I don’t want no Brad, Brad is a guy who can’t get no love from me.”
