Divorce is never easy.
It’s not a decision people enter into lightly, especially when kids involved.
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Once the papers are signed, people may reflect on what exactly went wrong. Was it them? Their ex? A combination of both?
Here, divorced people share their thoughts on how they could’ve saved their marriage. Some of these are truly heartbreaking.
Understanding that marriage takes a lot of hard work.
A lot of people go into marriage thinking it’s going to be all rainbows and sunshine. But as this Redditor points out, it’s not. Combining two worlds together comes with a lot of bumps in the road.
Learning to be a team.
“Being aware that marriage should be us as a unit, not me vs them. It took me awhile to process the lesson, but I did better the second time around.” – u/Darunia-Sandstorm
Traveling less for their job.
“I think i should have turned down a few of the travel opportunities with my job to balance things out and be more present. But the money was so good, I thought that would ultimately make us happy.” – u/mmaine9339
Allowing the mother-in-law to interfere in the relationship.
This woman married the nicest guy, but he was controlled by his mother. She even made him neglect his wife when she was bedridden with a high-risk pregnancy.
Letting resentment go.
“Never let contempt or resentment grab hold of either one of you. Whatever it is, fix it ASAP. Be vulnerable, be respectful. Once that contempt sets in, it’s pretty much over.” – u/katydidkat
Better communication.
“She didn’t tell me she was unhappy for 2 years. I didn’t hear about any real thing she dislikes about the relationship until after she kissed someone else and by then she was too unhappy to work on it.” – u/BrianJacquesGhost
More physical touch.
It was after this Redditor separated from their partner that they realized how long it was that they had stopped touching each other. It started with hugs at first and then escalated to no touching at all.
Hiring a housecleaner and handymen.
“I was stuck with all the chores and a full time job. It was exhausting and I got crabby. He’d be lying on the sofa smoking weed and there was no way I could convince him to help out. It did not occur to me that there are people you can hire to do all that stuff.” – u/VapoursAndSpleen
Knowing their core values.
“We were in our early twenties when we married and didn’t know enough to have those discussions. We weren’t really introspective enough to even define our own values. While there’s always compromise in any relationship, I struggled with the compromises that infringed on my values. I realized this in couples therapy.” – u/fruitybuttons
Working together instead of apart.
This applies to so many areas of life: kids, taking care of a household, finances, etc. Once this couple stopped acting like a team, everything else simply fell apart.
Putting in more effort.
“My ex put a lot more effort into the marriage than I did, and I was too self-centred to notice. At some point, she had simply had enough and couldn’t take it any more.” – u/mizinamo
A capable therapist.
“We tried couples counseling and family counseling, but the therapists didn’t know how to spot abuse. Relationship therapy usually makes such marriages worse, by assuming that the problems are mutual, and that’s what happened with us.” – u/ChangeTheFocus
Communicating their needs.
If you can’t tell your partner what you truly need, who can you tell?
This person took on so much of the household chores and caring for the kids. This eventually turned into resentment toward their partner.
Wanting the same things.
“We started dating when we were 20… Over 10 years we developed different goals and hobbies. Eventually it just wasn’t working for either of us.” – u/TysonGoesOutside. That’s a quick way to grow apart.
Getting married later on in life.
“We were young and in the military. The prospect of getting out of the barracks was very appealing. We just weren’t a compatible couple for marriage. We parted amicably.” – u/dj-riff
Working together when becoming parents.
“A kid will most likely be challenging, but can be handled if both work together. Well, letting me work full-time AND doing all the baby/kid stuff is hard.” – u/LecheroSooo
Going to rehab.
Since this Redditor used to do a lot of drugs, they became so paranoid that they fled the country, certain someone was chasing after them. It was only after they got sober that they realized they could’ve prevented divorce by getting help sooner.
Maturity.
This Redditor and their ex got married young, which meant they weren’t ready for such a serious commitment.
If they had met later in life, then maybe things would’ve worked out. But that’s life for ya.
Absolutely nothing.
“He was abusive and I stayed on much longer than I should have b/c you’re ‘supposed to stay married.’ I was the only one trying to make it work. Divorce can be a good thing.” – u/TBTBRoad
