Guys I want us to take a little stroll down memory lane real quick. The year is 2011. Kim Kardashian and her sisters (because really, that’s how they were known eight years ago) just released a klothing kollab with Sears. Khloé was still married to Lamar, and Kourtney only had one baby.
But the true gag of 2011?
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People could hardly remember Kendall and Kylie’s names.
2011 was also the year Kim Kardashian married Kris Humphries.
Of course, the marriage only lasted 72 days and quickly became the biggest conspiracy theory since the moon landing.
Guys, I was even able to locate an exclusive copy of Kylie’s wedding scrapbook she made for Kim and Kris as a wedding gift :'(
One cry equals one prayer.
The marriage was dissolved before the wedding episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” could even air, meaning the two part wedding special began with this statement from Kimberly.
It was the most dramatic episode of the series so far, and that includes when Khloé was arrested.
Now it’s safe to say Kris was a bit of a media whore for a minute there after the divorce. Just type in “Kris Humphries TMZ” on Youtube and there’s a never ending list.
But after approx. 2012, Kris really disappeared from the spotlight, thank GAWD. We absolutely did not need his negativity.
But guess who has decided they needed attention again? KRIS MF HUMPHRIES!
He recently wrote an essay of sorts for The Players Tribune titled, “I Never Wanted To Be That Guy.”
The first paragraph of the piece is one of the most cocky sentences the English language has ever seen.
“I used to smoke Michael Phelps. For real. Before I was That Guy, I was a basketball player. And before I was a basketball player, I was the No. 1 youth swimmer in America (and I think maybe, at one point, in the world).”
After he was done patting himself on the back, he exposed his ~raw~ and ~vulnerable~ thoughts and feelings about his marriage to Kim.
“I was definitely naive about how much my life was going to change,” Kris said.
“But the one thing that really bothers me is whenever people say that my marriage was fake.”
“There’s definitely a lot about that world that is not entirely real. But our actual relationship was 100% real.”
He continued, “when it was clear that it wasn’t working … what can I say? It sucked.”
“It’s never easy to go through the embarrassment of something like that — with your friends, with your family….”
“But when it plays out so publicly, in front of the world, it’s a whole other level. It was brutal.”
“I didn’t know how to handle it, because I never thought I was going to be famous in that way.”
“I remember having this moment when I was getting booed so hard in Philly, and I thought to myself, ‘Why exactly are they booing me, though?”
“Is it just because I’m That Guy from TV?'”
“Do they think I was trying to be famous? Is it because they think I disrespected the game of basketball?”
He concluded, “The last one killed me, because all I’ve ever wanted to be known for was basketball.”
He went on for about another 92 paragraphs about burgers, basketball and being “that guy” so, there’s that.
“I know that most people will always see me as That F****** Guy from TV. And I get it. I signed up for it. I don’t want any pity at all. But I hope that true fans of basketball remember me as a grinder… I was never a person who wanted to be famous. I’m a guy from Minnesota who loves the game of basketball.”
Well there ya have it folks. I’ve BEEN telling y’all for eight years that their love was REAL.
And honestly, I think one day he will get that legacy because trust me — I don’t want to talk about this damn marriage anymore, either.
Personally — above his marriage to Kimmy, above his mediocre basketball career, I think he should be remembered for this photo:
Kim Kardashian at a launch party for Avril Lavigne? I’m gagged.
