Listen, I know these are movies. You know these are movies. Fictional places with fantastical characters, chock-full of wisdom and important life lessons (ladies, do as Mulan does and get yourselves a sword).
As kids, we marvelled at the wonder of Disney movies. And as adults, we still totally do — but that is not gonna stop me from wincing in sympathy every time Cinderella puts her foot in a friggin’ glass slipper.
Join me as we have some fun asking questions of our favorite films. And remember: this isn’t that serious, but it is gonna be entertaining.
Who built the Cars?
If everything in Cars, is, you know, a car, then who built them in the first place?
Do the cars create themselves using machines? Did they have a Cars version of an industrial revolution, and invented assembly lines? I need to know the history of this society, like, yesterday.
Aren’t glass slippers crazy uncomfortable?
So, glass slippers. I have questions. They are as follows:
Wouldn’t those hurt?
How sweaty did those things get?
Wouldn’t that shoe have fit anyone with the same size foot as Cinderella?
I’m just gonna assume her Fairy Godmother cast some special magic on those heels, okay?
How did Olaf survive?
Olaf is a heckin’ snowman, so how on Earth did he survive visiting the trolls? It looked pretty toasty in there, but somehow Olaf was totally fine.
And before you come at me, remember: Olaf can melt in other conditions, so it’s not magic that kept him from melting that one time. So there.
Where were Boo’s parents?
Their child was missing for a while, and no one thought to ask where she might be? Or how she miraculously reappeared?
We know time passes in the same manner in the human and monster worlds, so…Boo’s parents have some explaining to do.
Buzz fully knew he was a toy, right?
Otherwise, why would he know to freeze when Andy entered the room for the first time?
I think this calls for a deep psychological dive into Buzz’s mind, guys. Underneath it all, did he really know he was a toy all along?
I’m gonna need a notepad, an appointment with the Space Ranger himself, and maybe a chaise lounge. We’ve got some digging to do, Buzz.
Did no one think a mass slumber was weird?
When the Fairy Godmothers discovered they totally blew the “keep Aurora safe” thing, they put the entire kingdom under a spell to put them to sleep while Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather worked on the problem.
Um, hello? I think I would have questions if I suddenly woke up and saw everyone else around me had inexplicably passed out, too.
Elsa’s castle did not spark joy
Listen, there’s minimalism, and then there’s creating a giant ice castle with no furniture…or plumbing.
Girl, what were you going to sleep on? What was your bathroom situation like? Was this a long-term residence, or more of a teenage rebellion-type temporary hideway?
This is a query for Frozen 2, isn’t it?
How did Mike and Sully meet?
Now hang on, I know you’re thinking, “duh, there’s this little movie called Monsters University, that answers that question.” But remember this line from the original Monsters Inc. ?
Mike: “You’ve been jealous of my good looks since the 4th grade, pal.”
WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
Shouldn’t the Beast’s portrait be of a kid?
Beauty and the Beast took specific pains to lay out that the rose so crucial to Prince Adam (AKA the Beast) would bloom until his 21st year.
Then, Lumiere said that they’d all been trapped for 10 years.
So…what was up with his portrait? It was very obviously of a 21-year-old man. Maybe the artist just took a wild shot in the dark and hit a handsome target.
What did Ursula do?
According to Ursula, she used to live in King Triton’s palace. Doing what? Why was she even there?
Is this like a hand of the king thing, and she totally messed it up? Because that is a prequel I would watch.
Where were Russel’s parents?
I’m guessing parents in the Disney world just don’t notice when their kids disappear, because Russel’s parents didn’t seem overly perturbed that he suddenly had a new old man friend.
Or that he had run away with that old man friend for a couple of days.
Uhhh?
So was Scar’s name always Scar, or…
Imagine popping a kid out, looking at it, and going, “his name is Scar.”
Sure, it might be a nickname. But it is way funnier to think that Scar’s mom either had weird taste in names, or was lowkey prophetic.
Where did the Beast’s parents go?
Their child was cursed and turned into a Beast, and they just…bounced? If that was my kid, I would probably try and visit as much as possible.
And even if they were banned from visiting, shouldn’t we have seen them once he was turned back into a human? I have questions.
How did Pocahontas know English?
John Smith was the first English-speaking person she’d ever met, and yet Pocahontas somehow communicated with him in English. Like, immediately.
Where on Earth did she learn to speak English, guys?
Is Belle secretly strong af?
When Beast saves Belle from being attacked by wolves, he’s badly injured. Yet somehow, he ends up on Belle’s horse…
So the logical conclusion here is that Belle lifts in her spare time, and was so swol that she could deadlift Beast onto the horse. Right?
Where were Mowgli’s parents?
See what I mean about Disney parents? This one has to be the worst one, though, because Mowgli’s parents somehow lost him in the jungle and I guess…never found him again?
I’m torn between wondering if he was abandoned and feeling really bad for them if he’s just lost to them.
This got dark fast.
Why couldn’t Anna go outside?
Elsa was locked up, but Anna was kinda free to do whatever she wanted — after all, she wasn’t the one with the icy superpowers.
So why was she confined to the castle, too? Maybe to keep up appearances? Maybe both sisters being reclusive was less weird than just the one. I guess.
What’s up with all the cups?
In Beauty and the Beast, Mrs. Potts refers to the other cups around her and Chip as his brothers and sisters.
So, uh, why didn’t they all turn back into humans? Where are the other children, Disney?
Why didn’t Ariel write anything down?
Ariel signed her name on Ursula’s contract, which suggests that she understands the written word.
Given that, couldn’t she slip Eric a note letting him know that Ursula highkey stole her voice?
Why can’t the Beast do normal things?
He’s been a Beast for ten years, but that doesn’t mean he forgot basic things — like using a fork and spoon, for example.
Just because those things are hard with his huge paws, doesn’t mean he would straight-up not know how to do them in the first place.
What messed up thing happened to Kristof?
I mean…he was raised…by trolls…how did that even happen? I’m less hung up on “where are his parents” and more concerned with how a bunch of trolls found him and decided to raise him.
This is Tarzan all over again.
Why did Cinderella’s dad marry her stepmother?
Cinderella’s stepmother was wicked, right? And her stepsisters also left us wanting to scream.
So why did her dad marry her stepmother in the first place, since she was kinda human garbage? Was she nicer before he died? Somehow, I really doubt it.
Did the Beast’s castle not have furniture?
So, all of the servants were turned into furniture. And all of them fit perfectly into the aesthetic of the castle.
Where was all the furniture that the servants took the place of? Did Belle and Adam have to take a trip to IKEA after the curse was broken, since all their furniture was suddenly human?
Seriously, where are everyone’s parents?
Peter Pan sweeps Wendy, George, and Michael away in the middle of the night, and no one bats an eye. In fact, no one notices a bunch of kids flying over London.
Were their parents worried sick? Or does Neverland exist apart from normal time? I’m going with that one.
