15+ Hilariously Relatable Tweets Only Married People Will Understand

By most standards, I am probably still considered to be a "newlywed."

With almost five years of the holiest of matrimony under my belt, I can say each and every one of these tweets about marriage hit home.

So, for those of you who aren't married, don't think, "Oh, we'll never be that couple."

You will. 'Tis written in the stars.

Amirite, ladies? If you don't do this, are you even married?

If I had a dime for every time this happened in my household, we could just have a butler.

Having experienced childbirth three times, I support this woman's cause.

Call her petty, but she's right!

We women are always just trying to help.

Is it our fault if we want men to look their best? Isn't this woman providing a service?

Call it woman's intuition.

My theory with this one is that she didn't hear him throw out his trash in the wrong bin. She predicted he would do it.

Harsh. But also true.

Confession: I bought my husband a Valentine's Day card this year and it's still in my purse...not filled out.

I'm not here yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

There's something about growing old with someone that makes pragmatism seem hot.

This is no joke. I repeat— this is no joke.

Get your phone out and scroll through your texts with your partner. It's all administrative.

In other embarrassing husband news...

This is beyond dramatic, but when you've been married a while, it helps to keep it fresh.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

We literally just had this discussion, and now there is a beautiful toaster oven atop our counter. Worth it.

If the two of you don't smell like garbage by the end of the weekend, are you even married?

This tweet spoke to my soul.

Marriage is about two equal partners.

Right? All's fair in love and war?

I feel like I have the order of events correct between this tweet and the one above.

For better or for worse!

And they say marriage runs out of perks.

Let's just call this a silver lining.

So this is a thing, and we always blame the kitchen instead of blaming each other.

You know, because we don't blame each other for enough stuff.

If I could go back and redo my vows, they would look a lot different.

For example, "I can't wait to judge other happy people with you for no good reason."

We are compatible in every way except for how we squeeze and maintain tubes of dense goo.

That wasn't in the Marriage Handbook.

Filed Under: