The worst part of any evening is when you go into the kitchen, fully intending on pouring yourself another generous glass of the good stuff , only to find that you’ve inexplicably drank the bottle dry. Is it just me, or are they putting less and less wine in those things?
To paraphrase Jack Sparrow, “Why is the wine always gone?”
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If this is a situation you can most definitely relate to, I have some hilarious tweets from the good ladies of Twitter that are sure to help distract you from the devastating blow of an empty bottle.
Cheers! Or, you know, not.
We all do.
It’s also okay to prefer one burner over the rest, or to only be able to make eggs using that one special spatula.
Adulthood is inexplicably favoring various parts of your kitchen over others.
Let’s bring these back ASAP.
I’d say the world is in need of a really good pizza party right about now. And let’s throw in a cake too, just for the fun of it.
It’s a party, after all.
Someone was sleeping on the job that day.
Look, all I’m saying is I shouldn’t get stumped by what other people consider “mental math”.
I shouldn’t be out here counting my fingers while the rest of the world is Beautiful Mind -ing the answers themselves.
Damn it, not again.
Keep an eye out for part two where I vow to stop eating pasta and then find myself on my third bowl of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese wondering where everything went wrong.
I didn’t expect to be called out like this today.
I’ve been informed by several people that I need to stop throwing up peace-signs every time a camera is suddenly turned towards me.
But have I stopped? Nope.
It’s a race against time. And laziness.
If I sit down when I get home from work, I’m not getting up again. You gotta use every last bit of energy you have when you walk through that door, even if it hurts .
Oh no.
I don’t think I actually remember what most of my friends’ faces look like without beards. I’ve never even seen what my boyfriend looks like without one.
Will I still recognize him? Will I still like him?! Stay tuned.
How is this even allowed?
I know I could take my tax stuff to an actual accountant to do them for me. I know this.
But I still do them myself every year without fail, and I just know one year I’ll miss a section or fill out the wrong number and I’m going to end up behind bars with a super pathetic rap sheet.
Please don’t leave me by myself.
satan: have you tried introducing yourself to anyone?
me: these are your friends, they don’t care about me.
They fooled us.
That movie had me thinking I’d be looking like Rizzo in high school and instead I ended up looking like a 13-year-old for four years, and then some .
It’s been awhile since I was even in high school and I still don’t look as old as Stockard Channing did in Grease . What gives?
Sorry for the confusion.
Men will literally take you on cute movie dates and introduce you to their moms, and then tell their friends you were a “stage 5 clinger” that they had to shake loose.
It’s in the “dad” handbook.
I can’t keep re-introducing my dad to people because at some point it stops being funny and just starts being humiliating for both me and my forgettable friends.
Who is she?
I live for those nights where I get out of the shower with freshly shaven legs, crawl into a bed with freshly washed sheets, and feel like I’ve truly peaked as an adult woman.
It’s all downhill from here.
I was just transported back to eighth grade.
Every school dance was capped off with this song blasting through the speakers while a room full of pimply 13-year-old kids who have never dated anyone in their very short lives shouted the lyrics with unjustified vigor.
I’m suuuuuuper busy.
For someone who complains about having “no free time”, I sure find a lot of space in my jam-packed schedule to catch up on all the new Netflix series.
Pure terror, but make it cute.
Every roller coaster picture I’ve ever taken shows a calm, collected cutie but oh boy , if you only saw her .5 seconds before that camera flashed.
I revert back to adolescence when I visit home.
I’m fine living that adult life on my own but once I’m back in my mom’s house, I can’t remember how long it takes pasta to boil.
Ah, my specialty.
My other culinary dishes include eating a pudding cup with a fork when all the spoons are dirty and serving mac and cheese in the same pot because the bowls are also dirty.
I think I need to do dishes.
Oh my God, she is SO annoying… until I’m 24.
I have texted my mom a stunning amount of pointless texts and pictures, and even though I would have yelled at her for doing the same thing to me when I was younger, she always responds with genuine enthusiasm and interest.
Moms are the best.
And make ’em hot.
I will now and forever be referring to mozzarella sticks as “bad boys”. I just hope my local eateries are prepared for the initial confusion of my orders.
There’s been a mistake.
Okay, but hear me out. We could all just pretend this says Duck. And that’s pretty cute, right?
I say keep it.
Please try again.
I have sent my boyfriend back to his closet many times before because I know what he’s capable of, and it is not that hoodie and jeans combo, babe.
Stunned.
I don’t know who the manager of life is (I’m assuming the big guy upstairs, I don’t know for sure), but whoever it is I would like to speak with them ASAP because this is unacceptable.
Oh right.
Sometimes I forget my “accomplishments” don’t exactly translate when I remember I’m an adult and shouldn’t consider learning how to iron a shirt my crowning achievement.
So basically every Adam Sandler movie ever.
All of these movies also include a team of “supportive” female best friends who convince the protagonist to ditch her handsome, perfect beau in favor of some guy who meets the bare minimum requirement for a mate because he’s got heart of gold.
Or bronze. Close enough.
No sea creature is safe from Ariel’s closet.
I mean, we could get really dark and assume this girl’s wardrobe is made up of the dead carcasses of her sea pals.
But maybe we shouldn’t go there.
Note: not just a lot, an *offensive* amount.
For some reason, I like to treat my “tight” budgets as “light” suggestions, and my current bank account statement definitely reflects that mindset.
Oh honey, you just wait.
Someone call the FBI because my people-finding skills are next-level and I feel like I could really help solve a lot of our country’s greatest problems.
Don’t lie to yourself like that.
Just take the extra 10 minutes and go get gas now . It’s not worth the hell you’re trying to put the tomorrow-version of you through.
They don’t care about you.
I hope my mom is reading this and remembers all those years she spent rudely waking me up for school by throwing open my door and turning my light on, all in one devastating motion.
It’s called R-E-S-P-E-C-T, mom.
You know we had to talk about this at some point.
We’re all just sort of walking around pretending Justin Bieber’s new track, “Yummy”, is somehow O.K. when we all know that it most certainly is not .
What a mystery.
This was literally me just a few weeks ago when I finished all my boyfriend’s kettle corn and then proceeded to help him tear the kitchen apart looking for it as if I didn’t know the empty bag was sitting in the bottom of the garbage can.
Dad of the year.
I wish I could say my own dad would do this but he wouldn’t. My dad would show up at 7 AM and try to cut his way to the front, maybe schmooze some store owners, and basically do everything in his power to cheat the system and skip the line.
But he would still be there, so I guess that counts for something.
“I’m groovy.”
“The party doesn’t stop and neither do I. Side note, does anyone have any mints and do we know if that decorative seagull in the bathroom was expensive?”
She was definitely on to something.
I also now understand why she always falls asleep through every movie we ever watch, and why she used to drink eleven cups of coffee before noon.
What I’m trying to say is, I’ve become my mother.
It can only go up from here.
Nothing screams “I’ve got my life together” quite like a freshly vacuumed floor, am I right?
This triggered me.
I recently went to see a movie and found myself seated next to two very loud boomers who each had their own, unique little laugh and who inexplicably found every scene in the movie to be LOL worthy.
It seriously ruined my Jumanji 2 viewing experience.
Close enough though, right?
No one blinks an eye when you have yogurt for breakfast but the minute you walk into work with gelato, suddenly your health is a huge concern to everybody.
You gonna regret throwing that box away, sis.
Ah, cardboard boxes. Better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them.
I keep my little collection of “just in case” boxes underneath my bed where I promptly forget about them until I happen to have yet another cardboard box that cannot be thrown away.
