Living your life with children is like riding your favorite ride at an amusement park, over and over and over again, until you either puke, cry, or start screaming.
For those of you who know exactly what it’s like to be blessed with hell’s angels , here are 15 tweets about life with children to remind you that it’s always an adventure.
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Parents who sleep lightly simply don’t survive.
You can’t afford to be a light sleeper when you’re a parent, otherwise — you’ll never sleep again. I would start training by napping in an inversion machine, with the TV at full blast, while your partner silently pelts you with Cheerios.
A child’s integrity is always for sale.
A child’s innocent streak gets shorter and shorter with each new generation. In no time, they’ll be playing both sides against the middle and have you doubting everything you once knew to be true.
Sometimes, what started off as “imaginary” becomes all too real and corporeal.
“Been searching for my 4 year old’s[sic] dog who is lost somewhere in this house. her[sic]… imaginary dog. we[sic] still haven’t found him. she’s[sic] crying.” – Twitter @geesweetyeeks
Time is relative, especially when you’re a parent.
Kids do love to talk, don’t they? It’s like once they master the basic principles of conversation, they want to hone them until they talk themselves hoarse. In these situations, I find that a good pair of earplugs work wonders.
What kind of sick monster would ever do something like that?!
“I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking.” – Twitter @reallifemommy3
It’s an exclusive club.
It’s water and cold, people — how hard is that!? I totally feel your pain. Not only am I the only one in our household who knows how to make ice, but I’m also the only one who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Be afraid — be very afraid.
Oh my gosh, what could possibly be in their room? Just please don’t let it be something with sharp teeth and rabies, like an opossum or a raccoon. Those things scare the crap out of me!
Where on earth did you get an idea like that?
Believe it or not, I can oddly relate to this kid. When I was young, an older kid I hung around with had braces and I was utterly obsessed with getting a set of my own. I used to be such an idiot.
Take it easy there, Tony Hawk.
Rubber bones plus fearless regard for the consequences of one’s own actions is a deadly combination. I just hope beyond hope that no trips to the hospital came about as a result of this ask.
That’ll be the day.
Only 16? You should count yourself as lucky. I used to be such a master at getting out of bed that I’d be in the living room waiting before my mom and dad had even made it back downstairs. Houdini himself couldn’t have done any better.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally — acceptance.
I once saw my best friend’s kid erupt and turn into a wailing banshee all because they’d managed to get themselves “stuck” in a turtleneck sweater. It was the best form of birth control I’d ever seen.
I call them “chilly trousers.”
The worst is when kids get to that age where they think they’re helping but really all they’re doing is hindering and making your life 1000x harder than it already is. Just go and play with some blocks or something and leave me be!
Death to Peppa Pig.
For the love of God, Johnny! If you can work the stereo, TV, and play AngryBirds on my tablet, then you better believe I know that you know how to pour milk on your own stupid bowl of cereal!
When you have kids, there is no such thing as “impossible,” there are just different degrees of “improbable.”
Author Arthur Conan Doyle once famously wrote, “When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth .” I feel as if that quote sums up parenting better than anything I’ve ever encountered.
The key to any mother’s heart.
“My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner.” – Twitter @SnarkyMommy78
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