Last night I embarrassed myself at my in-laws' place. To preserve my sanity, I won't go into detail about what exactly happened, but I will say that it's been 24 hours and I am still not over it.
Since today has been spent reliving that terrible moment of humiliation over and over in my head, I've decided I'm going to distract myself with some laughter. And what better way to kick-start the chuckles than with some hilarious tweets from women!
At this point, I'm sure we're all pretty over the "surprises" 2020 has felt inclined to throw at us, so I'd rather just skip ahead to what I hope and pray will be an entirely uneventful 2021.
Obviously I'm not promoting underage drinking here.
But while we're on the subject, it would be so easy to underage drink right now, I'm almost a little jealous I had to pay my brother a "buyer's fee" just to pick up wine coolers for me in high school.
I find myself reading my high school classmates' Facebook updates out loud in utter disbelief, like there's no way Natalie should be engaged, and isn't it so scandalous that Brittney is having her third baby?
Except I keep forgetting that's the age I'm at now, and I'm just the one who's slacking on the milestones.
As an adult, I've learned that you only really need one good friend, and maybe a smattering of acquaintances to invite to a party every now and then.
How are you supposed to keep up 15 different friendships? How?
This morning I left my tea in the microwave for three hours and when I finally realized it was there, I turned on the microwave to heat it up before promptly forgetting about it for another three hours.
There's just something about compliments from doctors that makes me feel invincible. My gyno once told me I have "super healthy urine" and I had to stop myself from making it my Facebook status.
I'm glad we can talk about this because Jack 100% overreacted in that movie and had no idea how good he had it up in that spooky hotel.
Try being alone in a one bedroom apartment 24/7. Let's see what makes Jack a dull boy after that.
This is the game I play whenever I wander into the kitchen, and it usually results in me polishing off an entire loaf of bread without even blinking.
But for real, I'm not even that hungry, guys.
My parents never snapped at me as hard as they did whenever I happened to turn on the backseat light while they were driving at night.
I genuinely spent my entire childhood believing it was straight up illegal and my dad would get pulled over and the cops would probably take me away.
I really hate people like this, and I hate it even more when they try to excuse their garbage behavior by making it sound like their business is somehow infinitely more important than mine.
Nah, back of the line, ma'am.
I miss taking a cab home well before closing time and insisting it was just so I could avoid the rush of club-crawlers trying to catch a taxi, when in fact I just really, really wanted to go home.
Honestly, I don't know how Maria never snapped with all that nonsense she put up at the abbey. Those sisters literally made an entire diss track about her, but they were still somehow invited to her wedding, where they had to audacity to actually sing it.
Luckily, my birthday happens late in summer enough social restrictions had been lifted I could at least enjoy the day with some people.
Sorry to everyone whose big days fell right at the beginning there. But I'm secretly very glad mine wasn't one of them.
Wood salad bowl? Check. Apple orchard-scented candle? Check. Mugs? Girl, you have more than enough at home, keep moving.
I had a landlord once tell me during a walk-through that the place was in "somewhat of a rough shape", and then proceed to get very offended when I agreed with him.
It's always the ones I never expected, either. I really thought you knew what's what, Jessica, but now you're up in my DMs trying to sell me hair products?
Honestly, I'm just disappointed.
This is usually how I justify eating an entire box of Triscuits and half a block of marble cheese by myself. As long as it's all laid out on a platter, it's a charcuterie board.
Seriously, remember how you used to just touch things in public? And then not wash your hands afterwards?
What was wrong with us?
"Today we'll be making boxed macaroni and cheese with some cut-up hot dogs in it and a slice of old birthday cake for dessert. Make sure to follow me on Pinterest for more amazing recipes."
Same. And this is the perfect way to make sure you guys go to bed facing away from each other tonight.
