Alright, let’s get real for a second. I’ll ask that you kindly check your pride at the door so we can all collectively agree that white people have a habit of saying some pretty silly things.
Don’t even pretend like you aren’t included in that. I bet you won’t leave this article without finding at least five phrases that you, if you are a white person, have said at one point or another. If not you, then definitely your dad.
And if you’re anything like me, you’ll walk away feeling awfully bashful because you’ve said every single one of these phrases before. Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. It is what it is.
(I think that might be another one right there.)
And they tell you this while they’re still choking.
This one used to freak me out as a kid because it made me imagine my throat being made up of two steel pipes: one that leads to my stomach and one that leads absolutely nowhere that will probably kill me one day if some mashed potatoes or something ends up in there.
“*Yee haw*”, etc.
I’ve gotten to the point now where I say this one ironically but will stop once I’ve attended enough rodeos to make it a factual statement.
And they flash an awkward half-smile at the waitress, too.
This is my go-to when she comes back for the fourth time to collect plates and I’m the last one left at table with something in front of me because I’m not done “nibbling” on these burnt bits of fries.
What? They’re the best part!
Followed by a dismissive head shake.
“Blinker”, “signal”, it’s all the same. Whichever one you go for, we can all agree this is definitely a white person phrase.
“Charlie’s Angels!”
You don’t know the dread I feel when someone in my photo group declares it’s time for a “silly pose” because when we see the finished product, I’ll be the only one pulling an ugly face while everyone else still manages to look glamorous while simply throwing up a peace sign.
This it it, this is what it’s like to work in retail.
At some point you learn how to summon a polite “ha-ha-” whenever an old white man at your register tries to crack this “joke”, even though you die a little inside every time you hear it.
It never gets old.
My dad likes to wince when he assesses the “damage” and then grin at us while he pulls out his wallet, assuring everyone that he’s just pulling our legs.
“I’m just gonna squeeze on in here!”
I’m not too proud to admit I say this every single time I score a spot near the door.
But come on! It’s a pretty huge deal, right?
“Beware! Katie got her license!”
Which is interesting, because in my experience it’s young people who are more likely to obey road rules while older people are more likely to ignore stop signs and not yield to pedestrians.
My dad just texted this to me.
Every summer you can expect to hear this phrase at least a billion times. And you can also expect to inexplicably say it yourself at least once or twice, too.
It’s like somehow become the thing to say.
“Kiddos.”
I know a lot of women who think it’s still cute to call babies “tiny humans” and I think we should all just agree right now that saying that hasn’t been cute since… well, it was never really cute, was it?
Those are some deadly Pringles.
They’ll push the plate, bag, or bowl of snacks away from them all dramatically before chuckling and pulling it back in because they were just joshin’ ya.
Or, alternatively…
Merge these two together and you end up with the ultimate white person-snacking phrase: “Get these away from me, they’re dangerous.”
Not everything can be a “hit”, Brenda.
Just because hungry people ate the food that was laid out for them doesn’t make it a noteworthy dish.
Your potato salad bowl might be empty but don’t go trying to send everyone the recipe in a mass Facebook message just yet.
“Where are those darn things?”
Cut to any suburban dad anywhere running back inside the house as he pats down the pockets of his windbreaker, giving you and your friends a sheepish smile while he grabs his key ring off the kitchen table.
“Okay, you kids have fun tonight!”
“Oops!”
Okay, I most definitely do this one but only because I’m not always sure who around me is cool with swearing and who might be offended with me saying a… cuss .
No kidding eh?
I hear this every summer when my pasty-self thinks this will be the year I finally tan and I end up lobster-red.
Every adult male over the age of 45 will then happily point out that I definitely “got some sun today”, and also tell me “that looks sore!”
“Must be nap time!”
The worst sentence ever?
“Awh, the tiny human isn’t happy!”
Ugh .
“I haven’t seen you since *last year* LOL!”
This has the same energy as that kid in elementary school who always left on the last day before winter break by telling everyone he’ll see them next year.
Absolutely no one liked him.
Knockity-knock!
Sometimes I do both. I’ll knock and say “knock knock” while I’m knock-knocking and I might even open the door while I do it too.
Why? Because . That’s why.
