It’s officially spooky season, and as scary as it is to be ghosted by Brad from Alpha Phi Beta Capa Foxtrot after you guys talked for three weeks and he even met your roommate and he still has your American Apparel fanny pack, we’re dedicated to upping the fear factor all day every day until the Christmas onslaught that is November 1st.
Halloween is a pretty universal experience, and there’s no better way to represent that experience than through the use of painfully accurate memes that’ll turn your ‘TRUEEEE’ to ‘BOOOO’.
Getting Into The Holiday Spirit
I could write a dissertation on Spirit Halloween and its essentiality to our current social zeitgeist. However, you don’t really need to go spend $75 on a less-than-convincing cat bodysuit to get a good costume.
All you need are a pair of white high top Nike Air Force Ones that are so clean it’s obvious they’ve been scrubbed with baking soda and a little toothbrush, an entire bottle of some Dollar Tree cologne called “Tree Bark & Acne Cream”, a sweaty and ill-fitting Boston Bruins jersey from 9 years ago, ankle socks with weed leaves on them, and your giant, ugly grade 8 graduation ring, and you can dress up as your ex Brad! He’s truly the spookiest thing of all.
You don’t just participate in Halloween—you ARE Halloween.
Brad once suggested that we each dress up as a boob and create a giant bra, which probably still wouldn’t have taught him how to properly unhook one. They never learn, do they?
The Early Bird Catches The Worm
I mean, if you spend every day putting on an emotional mask to hide your despair and dissatisfaction in your relationship and every night eating Reese’s Peanut Butter cups in an attempt to feel something…anything…anything at all…then Halloween becomes sort of a “year-round” thing, doesn’t it?
Hi MTV, Welcome To My Haunted Crib.
I think it would be nice to date a plastic skeleton for a change, you know? At least they have a spine.
The Over-Achiever
When you begrudgingly bring Brad as your +1 to your cousin’s wedding and he walks out of the guest bathroom looking like DJ Pauly D from Jersey Shore .
Witches Get Stitches
This is the kind of outfit I wear while I put a protective circle of salt around my duplex so that Brad can’t call me at 3:09 AM and be like “Hey I’m outside. Can we like, talk babe? Babe? Babe? Babe come on. Babe?”
When Your Treat Becomes The Trick
Trick-Or-Treat, wash your feet, stop asking me to pay for all the food we eat, not too big…no, like REALLY, we don’t have that issue…
Ghostly Glow Up
The weird pumpkin patch photos you take with Brad after dating for two months VS the ring light selfies you took on the bed in his brother’s room a year after the breakup.
Coming Out Of My Cage And I’ve Been Doing Not Fine
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss, seriously, it was only a kiss, stop telling your boys from Econ 101 that we went to third base.
Double Standards
I honestly have no problem with spiders, considering I let snakes into my home all the time.
A Change Of Heart
You know what’s really fun? When he breaks up with you on November 3rd so he can save your November 4th birthday gift as a Christmas present for the girl he was cheating on you with.
It’s one of the five main food groups.
Ah, candy corn. Almost as terrible as Brad. Almost.
A beginner’s guide.
These are great, but I have one more to add:
BTW = Brad Tells Women he’s letting his mom live with him rent-free for awhile until she gets back on her feet but we all know he’s the one living with his mom and he’s never worked for anything in his entire life.
The Devil’s Backbone
I would make a Brad comparison here, but that would be a little inaccurate. Pictures of Brad involve zero heat.
VOGUE
When I die, I’d like to be buried with my Shrek 2 party CD. My CD. Give it back Brad, seriously. We both know it’s mine.
You’ll Float Too
I just pictured Pennywise the clown from It materializing in front of me as my worst fear and he just becomes like, Brad telling my mother about his 10 dollar bill collection.
The deception is real.
Honestly, you get what you pay for. If you meet your boyfriend at a college frat party after you’ve drank your weight in vodka cranberries and can’t remember how to spell your own name, it’s probably not true love.
Hill House
Me running to give Brad back his stuff and then sprinting back home to light sage and cleanse my life of him forever.
Do it for the Snickers.
Some things are worth the effort. Brad is not one of those things.
It’s TIME.
It’s sort of like a Cinderella transformation, isn’t it?
Brad’s big Cinderella moment was when he told me he was a gentleman and then the clock struck “the next morning” and he suddenly turned back into a terrible frat boy with empty cans of Monster Energy under his bed who says “bro” UN-ironically.
I’m The Braaaaaad Guy (DUH!)
You could even make it a couple’s costume and hold an empty bucket with the label “Everything Brad ever did for me” on it.
No one ever wins this debate.
Brad once took the “Which Harry Potter House Are You In?” quiz and got the Chamber of Secrets because apparently that’s where all the snakes live in Hogwarts.
Safety First
That’s like the time Brad tried to propose to me by hiding the ring in a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
I’m kidding. He’ll never commit.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Trust me, not every “goodbye” is a sad one. After Brad and I broke up I danced around my apartment to Patti Labelle’s “New Attitude” while drinking a bottle of wine until I passed out in a beautiful, blissful heap on the floor.
Let’s give him something to talk about.
Brad doesn’t have a car so I guess I’d have to dress up as his vape pen. That way we would both be toxic and disposable.
We’d be twins.
Oh no, please no.
I personally can’t think of anything worse than this. Oh, no wait, I thought of one: Brad.
The Truth
Carving a pumpkin < carving out the heart of your ex-boyfriend and eating it Game of Thrones style.
Just tell him you’re a centaur. Bam. Done.
Or, depending on which half of the horse costume you got, you could always tell people you finally got rid of that huge ass you’ve been trying to drop for months. Either one works.
MADNESS.
Me when Brad calls me at 3:34 am to tell me he’s done some deep, personal reflecting and he’s decided that I was definitely the problem in our relationship but he’d be willingly to take me back.
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Fiesta
Brad should dress up as a clown. He wouldn’t even need to change outfits.
Reflections.
Brad once went as The Joker for Halloween and didn’t even need to buy a costume because he’s always been a fool.
It’s gonna be a lonely, spooky night.
Personally I plan on spending Halloween reliving my past relationships because that’s always that’s always a terrifying experience. ‘Tis the season, right?
Yikes, sis.
Just think of all the free time you’ll have now though. That’s always the best part about finishing a babysitting job, right?
What do you think?
Brad and I once thought about getting a cat but then I remembered he has no idea what to do with the one he already has.
“It’s their favorite holiday.”
Brad’s favorite holiday was April Fools because…well, do I really have to say why at this point?
Too scary for me, thanks.
Brad’s scariest Halloween costume was the one year he forgot to dress up.
Cha-ching.
Honestly I think Halloween was a bad influence on Brad because it taught him that all he has to do was pretend to be someone else to get a treat.
You trust is misplaced, kiddos.
Brad did something like this to me once except he said he’d never disappoint me and look where we are now. All trick, no treat.
Always Watching
Like, Haunted Mansion? No thanks, I’ve got that thing that shows you when your ex is the first one to watch your Insta story. That’s frightening enough.
