I like Twitter, but sometimes it feels like people on there are reading my mind and it makes me super uncomfortable.
There’s nothing quite like coming across a tweet and actually stopping whatever you’re doing because you realize that some stranger on the internet has actually managed to call you out in 280 characters or less.
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For your enjoyment, I’ve collected some of the funniest tweets I’ve found lately that seem to be written by people who know us better than we know ourselves. Hopefully you get a few laughs out of it, but you should also prepare yourself to say “Wow, that’s me,” more than you ever have before.
Every “snack” has now turned into a “meal.”
I haven’t used the words “breakfast”, “lunch”, or “dinner” in a long time. Now everything is just “meal #2” or “meal #8” or “I shouldn’t have eaten all those nachos but it’s too late now.”
And I was *just* going to sign up, too!
Isn’t that just always the way? Oh well, I guess I’ll sign up once all this nonsense is over.
Or, you know, wait a bit longer after that too. We’ll see.
Shouldn’t have gone on Pinterest before I left.
Last week I bought a bag of lemons fully believing I was actually going to do something with them and not just leave them in my crisper until they go bad.
I was so naive back then.
I’m at the point now where I *prefer* phone calls.
Remember in the old days (like, February 2020) when you would tell people to just text you and not try calling you?
Well, now phone calls have found their place in our hearts again after weeks of having to endure painful video conferences with people you don’t feel like interacting with whatsoever.
“One sec.”
I’m glad I’m not the only one who ends up waddling out to my mom’s car in a pair of her heels, or tripping over my feet because the closest pair of shoes were my dad’s Nikes.
Good times.
I also miss wandering around the mall for three hours, touching expensive clothing and remarking about how “cute” it is, before heading to the food court to spend all my money at McDonald’s.
Anybody else remember malls ?
I was seriously misled.
T.S.S. is like quicksand for women. We always heard horror stories about it, and we prepared ourselves to have to deal with this imminent threat at some point in our lives.
But then it turned out not to be as huge of a deal as everyone and their mom made it out to be.
Put that floss right back in the drawer where it belongs.
I don’t think I’ve ever consistently flossed my teeth in my life, despite every single warning my dental hygienist has given me.
Honestly, I sometimes even forget floss is a thing . Is that bad? That sounds bad.
This is a real thought that goes through my actual head.
Like, I know I don’t have one but what if I actually have one this time? What if that gun I don’t have somehow ended up in my purse that it’s not in and the TSA finds it?
What then?!
I still have no clue.
Every birthday cake I’ve ever received had a price, and that price was me sitting silently at the table and smiling awkwardly while people cluster around my chair and sing at my face before handing me a flaming desert with my name on it.
Someone please take it away from me.
The worst thing this quarantine has taught me is that true happiness can, indeed, be bought, especially if online shopping is pretty much the only part of your life you have control over right now.
So you end up spending your entire paycheck on the Sephora website and then you have to wait a month for your super important purchases to even get to you.
