When I was in college, most of my professors would spend the entire hour-long lecture period just reading off a PowerPoint presentation without really adding anything extra. And I would leave those lectures feeling very bitter about waking up at 6 AM just so I could sit through a lecture that I could have just read myself at home in bed.
Now as an adult, I realize that most workplace meetings operate the same way — you sit through a lengthy presentation, just to end up leaving thinking, this seriously could have been an email .
If you’ve got one of these kinds of meetings lined up for today, I’ve got the perfect distraction for you! You can always count on the hilarious ladies of Twitter to deliver the funniest tweets possible so we can all stifle a chuckle behind our hand while we hide our phone in our laps and pretend we were listening when our manager asks us our thoughts on that “big announcement” they just made.
Okay, I feel personally attacked by this one.
It’s so damn specific but also so damn true too. I can genuinely name three English teachers (and one professor) that definitely apply to this tweet.
And I think that says a lot about me.
She terrifies me.
Honestly, I think this stems from the uncomfortable realization that I really don’t understand her? Or any other 17 year old for that matter? And I’m not sure when I got so old but it is deeply troubling?
Someone’s gonna have to pay.
Opening my email is like peeking into a box that has the potential to ruin my day. Sometimes it’s just better to keep that lid shut, you know what I mean?
What I’m saying is I rarely check my email so don’t please don’t email me.
I hope life is good to them.
They’re all beautiful souls and I truly wish them the best. And if anyone hurts them I will be taking immediate action.
Vote for me.
I have dealt with the rudest, most challenging cat possible for years. She doesn’t listen to reason and she doesn’t particularly like me, even though I’m just trying to do what’s best for her.
I’m ready to run the country.
Why is this so true?
I can’t name a single time my mom has ever pulled actual whipped cream from the fridge but she still has an entire drawer full of empty containers so I’m going to need some answers ASAP, Janice.
Which one do we think will really pull the fellas in?
While we’re at it, mind helping me pick a new Facebook photo too? And do you think this $75 lunch container from Amazon is worth the price? Be honest.
Don’t do it, sis.
I literally just moved, and it was a nightmare from start to finish. You may think it’s going to be painless, you may think you’re someone who can handle the stress of picking up and moving your entire life to a new location.
But you would be wrong .
Life lesson #4567: not all tattoos need to mean something.
My first tattoo, like most people’s, was deep and meaningful and warranted a long Facebook post to explain its significance to everyone.
My latest one was an elephant because I happy to just really, really love elephants.
Ah, a classic.
I’m also a fan of his other brilliant works, such as She’s The Man and West Side Story .
Okay, to be fair, they look shockingly similar.
It’s not like any of us would be able to figure this out on our own, since we never seen Joaquin Phoenix and Ty Burrell in the same place at the same time.
But now that we’re seeing them side to side? Twinsies .
I should, but I never dress for me.
This outfit? This hair? This makeup? These shoes? It was all for the people . But the people decided to stay home today so now I’m just out here looking like a damn snack without anyone around to appreciate it.
At least someone cares.
Sometimes you don’t realize just how lonely you are until a box of frozen fettuccine alfredo can brings a tear to your eye with one simple word.
I genuinely thought it was just my school.
Ours wasn’t even taught during our regular gym class. We were pulled out of classes to go learn how to “dosey do” at like, 11 AM and no one ever tried to explain why this was necessary.
You can stay right where you are, thanks.
I recently got a friend request from someone I went out with all of two times back in high school and when I declined the request he actually text me to demand to know why.
Boy I haven’t wasted a single thought on you since I was 17, what makes you think I’m going to let you join the elite club that is my Facebook friends group?
Stop pretending.
This is just like the people who go on about cauliflower pizza crust tasting better than the full-carb stuff. Like, we know you’re trying to convince yourself that’s true, but we refuse to believe your lies, Brenda.
Every single one.
Just the other day I was standing in front of my closet, admiring the beautiful range of colors I have hanging up in there. And then I grabbed the same black sweater I always wear and quickly shut the door on that dusty rainbow.
Don’t judge me.
I need all the sleep I can get, even if that means throwing the blinds closed at 7:35 PM and climbing into bed before some people have even sat down for dinner yet.
This is adulthood.
Wait your turn, all you left-handed people.
Please take your seat, we haven’t called the chocolate ice cream lovers yet. But all you people with your ears pierced are welcome to board now. Have a great flight. Thank you for choosing every airline ever .
One day I’ll learn. Today is not that day.
You’ll still find me going out of my way to avoid cleaning out under my bathroom sink counter until another season rolls around. Then and only then will I get rid of those empty conditioner bottles.
