Sometimes, there are little things wrong with the world. Like how my landlady keeps moving the front steps of my building, which is the only explanation for how many times I’ve tripped on them in the last month.
Maybe…I don’t have a good handle on this concept.
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But there’s wrong and then there’s wrong. And even I know what’s going on in this list.
1. Let’s start with one of the great human tragedies — lost pizza. The rest of this list has a long way to go to top this crime.
Frankly, sir , you were entrusted with a great responsibility here, and you’ve shirked it. I have no sympathy for you.
2. I don’t know what someone could say to me that would make this OK.
Even being honest wouldn’t help, because “I like the feeling of denim under my feet when I go upstairs” just raises more questions . Questions I don’t want the answer to.
3. Dear, Person Who Made This: Stop. Please. It’s fantastic work, I just don’t like the strange ’90s place that my brain was sent to.
The Home Improvement theme is all messed up, Jill’s spaghetti, more power… It’s just a lot to process.
4. OK, maybe this one is a little OK. It’s in that hazy area where I know it’s cute, but I’ll still have nightmares tonight.
To be fair, there’s a lot of stuff that falls in that category for me.
5. Oh look, another thing that’s very adorable but a source of anxiety just to look at.
If I could be trusted to make a salad, I wouldn’t order out for every meal.
Seriously, I’m a complete disaster. I’m like an infomercial person.
Not in every area of my life. Just kitchens, and apparently the front steps of my building.
6. Listen, if this is the future of tomatoes, we need to get investing in that time machine research, stat.
Because by the looks of this monster, within five years, tomatoes will be eating us .
7. Bruh, I… Fine, I’ll ask about the denim stairs. I’ll hear that person out.
As long as the denim stairs person also disagrees that bread stairs should not be a thing.
8. I feel like if I saw someone holding this, I’d be talking to them like a hostage negotiator.
I mean, I love Sriracha, but if you’ve got the ability to spray it as a mist, that’s dangerous.
9. Hey, what’s with the police Jurassment? Can’t two dinosaurs walk home in the middle of the night in peace?
Wait, what?
Costumes?
Oh, OK. That’s not as cool. Yeah, go ahead and look into that.
Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you wouldn’t watch the Law & Order episodethat starred an all-dinosaur cast.
While you’re there, say “Triceracop” three times and he’ll appear.
10. Let me be clear: I’m not saying this is wrong. I’m saying it’s wrong that I don’t get to do this whenever I go out.
I need a giant butler and a stroller.
11. Well, there’s a good reason not to get lost in your phone while you’re on the toilet.
If you count “terrified of falling into the abyss” as a good reason.
12. How does this thing not cause traffic accidents?
Unless it’s right at the tip of a U-turn, I don’t know how people come close to this thing. I’d have it in my rear-view ASAP.
13. Wow. That’s legit diabolical. I guess some coworkers just wanna watch the world burn.
This is when Carol from HR starts hunting down who’s responsible, Liam Neeson-style.
I guess if there’s a moral to this whole thing, and I’m not saying that there has to be: Backup. Pizza.
Whether you’re facing subway trouble or stuck working with the Joker, it’s just never a bad idea.
