I’m not crazy about Christmas fever. That includes a lot of Christmas movies. OK, most Christmas movies.
Don’t get me wrong, watching George C. Scott growl his way through A Christmas Carol with my family on Christmas Eve? Heartwarming. Do it again every year for decades? Ugh.
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You know what my favorite Christmas movies are? Ones that have nothing to do with Christmas at all. Here are a few in no particular order.
I’ll try to avoid spoilers. Actually, my memory’s terrible, so I’ll probably avoid…facts.
1. Gremlins (1984) – A sleepy American town learns the importance of spaying and neutering pets.
Although Shane Black’s classic horror-comedy is set in the days leading up to Christmas, the holiday background doesn’t get in the way of any shenanigans. One character has a speech later on, but she’s not exactly “yay Christmas.”
2. Jurassic World (2015) – After perfecting dinosaur cloning, scientists struggle to determine why the talented Judy Greer can’t get more than five minutes of screen time in a movie.
I’m glad I’m not a kid anymore. I mean, I’m terrified of getting old and dying. But if I had to watch two kids get a trip to Jurassic World as a Christmas present, I’d be too jealous to enjoy the movie.
3. Hook (1991) – Two children teach a band of immortal pirates friendship through the magic of baseball.
The family trip to London to visit Granny Wendy is over Christmas break, but I’m pretty sure there’s no Christmas in Neverland, and most of the movie happens there.
Ugh, I’m really not looking forward to the day Hollywood gets around to rebooting this one.
No matter what they do, that soulless remake is gonna drain the happiness right out of me.
4. The Addams Family (1991) – An uncle reconnects with his loving family, zombie butler, pet hand, and underground pirate treasure.
The fountain of all Wednesday memes not about frogs. The first thing the Addamses do onscreen is pour something from a roof-cauldron onto some Christmas carolers. Then the movie skips to January or something.
5. Ghostbusters 2 (1989) – A small business bounces back after hard times, while New York’s art scene is in trouble.
Probably the best movie ever made where the villain is a painting. It takes place in December, and the climax is New Year’s Eve, but it has no scenes of Slimer wrapping up a slime-covered present for Bill Murray, so that’s a win.
It’s also one of the only movies I know of that has a musical number with a dancing toaster.
Is it just a matter of time before we catch Bill Murray doing the floss dance with other home appliances?
6. Psycho (1960) – A woman stays in a motel with terrible shower etiquette.
Yup, the mother of all slasher movies takes place during the month of December. Luckily, Norman Bates and his mom are able to get their Christmas shopping done in one trip.
7. Prometheus (2012) – After low-quality astronaut training, some scientists go to an alien planet and immediately take off their helmets.
Sure, it wasn’t great, but Prometheus was pretty and had a lot of Ridley Scott touches — like Idris Elba setting up a Christmas tree in one scene until Charlize Theron shoots him down.
8. Batman Returns (1991) – A billionaire and secretary bond over the difficulties of keeping slush out of black tights.
Michelle Pfieffer, Danny DeVito, and Christopher Walken versus Batman? Yes, please.
Plus, Gotham City is in full holiday mode — so it’s the creepiest Tim Burton Christmas without stop-motion animation.
I did some pretty intense research for this article, so I watched every Batman movie.
I guess I didn’t have to watch all the ones without any Christmas stuff, but don’t tell me how to live my life.
9. The Ref (1994) – Denis Leary ties a married couple to chairs so he can test out new stand-up material on a captive audience.
This might come dangerously close to getting a bit Christmasey, but it’s worth it when Denis Leary says, “I just beat up Santa Claus.”
10. Catch Me If You Can (2002) – Several mice escape a bucket of cream. Meanwhile, an FBI agent struggles with knock-knock jokes.
Although not at all about Christmas, as the years go by there’s a little annual tradition that happens every holiday. I won’t spoil it for you, but it involves Tom Hanks and that should be enough to watch it.
11. Iron Man 3 (2013) – A man battles his anxiety and fire-breathing terrorists in his search for the perfect suit.
Tony gives Pepper a Christmas present in one scene, but I’m pretty sure this one’s only set during the holiday season so Tony can drag his suit through the snow later on.
12. Toy Story (1995) – Humans somehow fail to realize that every toy on the planet is secretly alive.
The payoff at end of Toy Story mirrors the beginning, with the toys nervous about Andy’s new Christmas presents.
I’d have said “spoiler” but if you haven’t seen this, you might actually be a living toy using your human’s computer.
So, toys know what Christmas is. Do they celebrate it?
What do they get each other? Smaller toys? Are those toys alive?
If I’d known this movie was gonna give me issues like this, I would’ve skipped it.
13. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) – After his wife cheats on him, Tom Cruise goes Halloween mask shopping without her.
Not only Kubrick’s last film, but Tom Cruise’s last film before Mission: Impossible 2 — maybe not a huge deal, I just really like that one.
Also, did y’all know his full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV? Wild.
14. Edward Scissorhands (1990) – An amateur gardener briefly takes up dog grooming, falls in love.
Another Tim Burton special, but Christmas only rolls around later in the movie. Even then, it’s mostly Winona Ryder enjoying some live ice sculpting and a heartbreakingly creepy flashback.
I miss the days before Tim Burton was a parody of himself.
Honestly, the minute he met Johnny Depp, did he just delete every other number on his phone except Danny Elfman and Helena Bonham-Carter?
15. Rocky (1976) – A man punches things while enjoying raw eggs, gray sweatshirts, and lots of stairs.
Although Rocky’s big fight at the end of Rocky IV happens on Christmas Day, there’s a brief Christmas scene in the original. Maybe that explains Stallone’s deconstructed eggnog.
16. I Am Legend (2007) – In the future, New York City has no more traffic jams. Will Smith sleeps in a bathtub.
The apocalypse happened over the holidays, so Will Smith spends his days going all Dumpster Wars with Christmas decorations still up all over the place. I hate it when my neighbors leave them up past New Year’s, so that must really suck.
I hadn’t even thought about how horrible it would be to have Christmas decorations forever. Wow.
Oh, and I guess the utter annihilation of human society, too. That’s also a bummer.
17. Honorable Mention: Bad Santa (2008) – Yeah, let’s skip the summary on this one.
Sure, it’s a Christmas movie. But unless you have fond memories of your local mall Santa terrorizing the food court, it’s gonna be less sugary nostalgia and more bitter, dark (really dark) comedy.
