I might've mentioned that I am planning my wedding, right? Well, let me tell you, it's a huge endeavor. That's for sure. No matter how prepared you are, things are bound to go awry. And then, to top it off, you can't control other people.
So a recent Reddit thread had me in stitches. It asked people to list the most painful wedding speeches they ever witnessed, and I'm going to list a few answers here. Check it out and laugh.
"Father of the bride described her as the 'ugly duckling' of the family, got booed."
Okay, come on? At least, I hope he made it sound like a joke. No? Well, then he definitely got what he deserved. I can understand a father saying something like, "Look at this ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan." But anything other than that is a no-no.
"I've only been to one wedding, and it was my dad's cousin's wedding. My dad's uncle (the groom's father) did a toast when the groom and bride were at the altar (is this normal? Everyone around me seemed confused), and he said, 'I'm glad I made it out here today. I just want you guys to know that I have cancer and I'm going to die soon. Congrats to my son and his beautiful bride. Enjoy your time!' Everyone was in complete silence. It was the most awkward thing I've possibly ever witnessed. FWIW, this was in 2008, and the groom's father is still alive."
OMG, I'm speechless now, too.
"At my parent's wedding the priest started with 'We are gathered at this funeral today...' the worst part is he started going on with the typical funeral speech until he was stopped. To be fair he was well past retirement age."
Oh my goodness, ha, ha. I would have died!
"Was at a wedding where the father of the bride was giving his speech and talked about his daughter's butt and had her stand up and turn around so everyone could see it. He then proceeded to talk about the bride and groom getting it on."
Yikes!
"I was in my close friend's wedding. As his bride-to-be was walking up the aisle, she faceplanted. It was an outdoor wedding, so she got dirt/grass stains all over her. Very awkward, but she played really cool, and didn't cry. Respect."
Okay, full disclosure — I'm so afraid of something like that because I'm clumsy, ha, ha.
"One wedding I went to, the pastor started giving the typical 'marriage is hard work' speech. He talks about how many marriages fail, and all the people he's counseled through divorce. He goes on about how that on their wedding day, they're just like this couple and who think they're going to make it but six months later they're getting a divorce.
I'm trying hard to keep a straight face, the groom is starting to look like he wants to punch the guy, and I can hear people behind me disguising laughing as coughing. I keep expecting him to bring it around to something positive, but he doesn't. 15 minutes of, 'Marriage is hard and lots of them don't work.' Find out at the reception, he was a family friend. With a lifelong unrequited crush on the bride."
Ah, makes total sense but still, he could have been more professional, no?
"My brother's best friend (been friends since childhood) gave a speech at his wedding that lasted about five minutes. He said nothing about the bride at all, only mentioned that my brother was a 'good guy,' and then proceeded to talk about his failed marriage (his ex-wife was in attendance), his child custody battle, and how much it pained him to see how happy the newlyweds looked since it brought back memories of his own failed marriage. To top it all, he spoke in a really even, unemotional monotone."
With best friends like these, who needs ... well, you know.
"My cousin married a mormon boy a few years back. Our aunt officiated it and our entire family was so proud of her, and all loved the guy. The guy's mother though was very into her religion, almost convinced the groom's entire side of the family not to go because my cousin had visible tattoos but the groom and his brothers convinced her not to.
At the wedding she broke into a toast that was not planned, nor requested, where she essentially said that she hoped that during my cousin's life she could look to the LDS church for truth and hopefully be able to ask God for forgiveness for her sins and be allowed into heaven. There was a very awkward silence afterward, with even most of her family looking embarrassed but was broken by my aunt yelling out 'We love you Libby!' which prompted lots of cheers.
The groom and some other cousins of mine promptly 'asked' the mother to leave while others of us consoled the bride who was in tears."
I feel so bad for this bride.
"This was at my cousin's wedding. My cousin and his buddy had a pact if you will, they would be each other's best men. OK, all well and good, only catch is during their toast they had to MOON the RECEPTION at the end of the speech. So back to cousin's wedding: He is giving his speech, yada yada known this guy forever. Then at the very end he is about to pass the mic back. 'Oh wait, almost forgot.' Sets the mic down, turns around stands on a chair, and moons the wedding reception. Bride's family promptly left. I think my cousin forgot all about that because he looked blindsided. Luckily my side of the family found it hilarious."
OMG! I can't stop laughing at that.
"So I was at my, at my brother-in-law's wedding. My wife (groom's sister) was in the wedding party so I sat with her family. Her parents get up on the stage to say their speech. Father-in-law steps up to the mic and says: 'Thanks everyone for coming out', and sits back down beside me. There is a horrible awkward silence in the room, everyone was expecting a long speech, and the MC had just sat down and taken a big drink. In the silence he leans over to me and says: 'What? If you don't have anything nice to say!' Apparently, he doesn't like his new daughter-in-law very much!"
What a nice guy, huh?
"At my father's wedding to his new wife, he mistakenly called his bride by his ex-wife's (my mother's) name during his speech to her."
Yikes, I would not have liked that at all. In fact, that's quite mortifying for the bride, no? Like, where do you even hide? Under the table or what?
"The pastor used the word 'fornication' in the ceremony. A lot."
Ha, ha. I don't know about you, but I can't even stand that word. So just to make sure, I'm going to go over the pastor's speech with a fine-tooth comb. There are certain words and phrases that I don't want to hear.
"A friend was getting married, and the best man decided that in his toast he would try to compliment how beautiful the bride was. He ended up saying 'It took a team of bridesmaids and scientists to get her looking like that.' Nice try, really awkward."
Some people don't know how to give someone a compliment without sounding creepy so I guess this was his attempt to avoid that, ha, ha.
"The best man rifled through all the groom's failed past relationships, in some detail. Then he made fun of the bride and groom for meeting on Christian Mingle... It was pretty brutal. Really killed the mood."
Honestly, if that's what you're going to say then stay quiet, please.
"Groom's father made a speech along the lines of 'we knew she was a keeper when he brought her home and we heard them [being intimate] in the bathroom.' AWK-WARD."
Wow, some people need to learn how to keep their mouths shut.
"At my cousin's wedding, the priest made a long speech going on and on about how wonderful and responsible it was of the couple to get married once they got pregnant out of wedlock. Most of the bride's family did not yet know she was pregnant."
Talking about spilling the beans here. Am I right?
"At my sister's wedding, my alcoholic uncle went up and said a couple words.
Them being: 'I'm surprised you managed to have a successful wedding, how did this happen without your mom being the over-controlling [expletive] that she is?' A silence like no other."
Yeah, I'm cutting everyone off who drinks too much at my wedding.
"At a wedding I went to recently, during his speech, the best man went off on a super-awkward tangent about how he lost his virginity to the bride and how he never would have guessed she'd end up with his best friend (the groom)."
I'm so happy I don't have to deal with that, ha, ha.
I know you can't control people and what they say and do at your wedding, but still — I would have expected more. After all, this is the one special day the couple has to celebrate their love so can't you just behave already? I mean, come on! Seriously, I hope everybody has a great time at my wedding, but I'm praying nothing like this happens. Not today, satan!
