20 Hilarious Marriage Tweets To Read To Your Spouse In Retaliation For Their Snoring

Ashley Hunte
Two gold wedding bands on top of a dictionary that's opened to the page with the definition for marriage on it.
Unsplash | Sandy Millar

Being married is such a joy. Most of the time. There are some times when your spouse feels more like a fly buzzing around your head than your best friend.

But with the ups and downs come hilarious moments. Like the ones in these Tweets, which I'm sure will get you breathing from your nose, whether you're married or not.

The lesser of two distractions.

Not being distracted while driving is always a good rule of thumb. But sometimes, your spouse needs your attention, and it can't wait until the car is parked.

Blankets are important, after all.

He won't know the difference.

Sure, I don't think most people are rubbing dryer sheets on their head for the static, but I can see where she's coming from. Anything that smells remotely good is probably good enough for your husband.

Wait until they learn there's a third one.

If you watch enough Property Brothers, you end up being able to tell which one's which. If you don't, then you end up at the losing end of the most important argument of your marriage.

In a manner of speaking: yes.

I think it's funny how you can live with someone and see them every day, and still not notice right away when they get a haircut. At least the answer to that is technically always going to be yes.

It's the thought that counts.

I think it probably would've been classier to just go to the dollar store and buy new candles. But on the plus side, this guy's wife gets to practice her shocked face in case someone tries to take a picture.

Who needs a man cave when you have the thermostat?

Like with most other dads out there, the thermostat and the heat in the house is his domain. You can't just give all that heat away to the outdoors, after all!

Find someone who gets you.

You know it's true love when your spouse bookmarks the coupons for the places you like so they can give them to you later. That's someone who knows you better than anyone else.

You may gain a wife, but you lose all your hoodies.

To be honest, men's sweaters are always so much comfier than women's sweaters. So I don't blame any wife for stealing all her husbands sweaters.

When you and your spouse have the exact same style:

Bonus points if you also happen to be the same or similar sizes. Good luck finding the clothes that belong to you ever again.

It only gets better from here.

I'm sure all spouses tell terrible jokes to one another. But it only gets worse (or better?) if you end up having kids. Husband jokes become dad jokes.

"I'll get to it in a minute."

Ah, the constant cycle of asking your spouse to move something, only for them to never do it. Sometimes you just have to accept when something that should've been put away is now part of your decor.

In one ear and out the other.

If you tell your spouse where you're going while they're watching TV, they will forget.

If you tell your spouse where you're going while they're fully paying attention to you, they will forget.

In-laws have all the tea.

And it's piping hot. Nice of this mother-in-law to wait until her son was out of the room before she started embarrassing him.

At last, you have a common enemy.

Kids are great. You know, unless they're disturbing the perfect harmony you have going on in your bathroom. You need to teach your kids the errors of their ways, and make sure they know which way the roll goes.

There's nothing more sacred than marriage. Except Wordle.

Is it cheating if a couple works on a single Wordle together? Or is it just practical?

Either way, it's probably better than one winning over the other.

Some questions are actually really important.

Even if that question is just a cleverly disguised dad joke. I bet the guy was pretty proud of his kid (and the wife was annoyed with both of them).

Dogs are on another level.

No matter how much you love your spouse, it's never going to compare to how much your dog does. The quicker you accept that fact, the better your life is going to be.

Furniture assembly is the one thing that tests every marriage.

You'd think it'd be nice and easy, but no. It's basically impossible for any couple, married or not, to assemble furniture without devolving into an argument. I blame the furniture for not coming pre-assembled.

When it feels like the end of the line:

Ah, the man cold. When a man gets a cold and is really dramatic about it. Will he die? No. But it might feel like it.

And this is why no one can decide on dinner.

This is also how the conversation goes between parents and kids. No matter what, one person is always going to say they don't know, and the other is going to say "I can't make 'I don't know.'"