I've really tried to come up with a future that doesn't involve children, I promise. The math just doesn't work out. I have so many over-sized chalkboards at home right now, people.
So as long as we're stuck with these little creatures, we might as well enjoy their antics. Kids can be funny and cool, or they can be horrible beasts with no redeeming qualities at all. Most are somewhere in the middle — these are not those kids.
It's important to start disliking children early on. It really prepares you for life as an adult. You go, girl.
I mean, that's no excuse for the grubs I ate with my nephew last summer. Especially because it was after we watched Aladdin. I need help.
I can't decide whether this kid has watched too many people French kiss, or he's eaten too much canned tuna. Either way, it ain't right.
For the record, this includes juvenile animals — especially if they also dislike children.
But kid, you did realize that SEAL was still missing, right? No problem, I get it, seals look like walruses.
...and some of us adults have trouble even while they're tasting the animal.
And giving. And giving...
Have you ever done one of those burger challenges where you have to eat a 10-pound burger in an hour, and by the end you can't even think? That.
"I think I'll try this family next... No, not really working with this outfit. Bring in the next group!"
I can see her playing with My First Accountancy Exam now. She'll be notarizing all her friends' notes to their crushes by age 10.
You know he's in the garage right now working on a flux capacitor made of old Nintendo 64 parts and a car battery. Godspeed, regretful father.
But when I try to turn it around and tell some jokes to them, it's all "no swearing" and "you're not welcome at your nephew's next birthday party."
Or maybe it was because I spoiled Breaking Badfor the parents. Either way, get over it, the show's been out forever.
Miss Julie is officially the best preschool teacher ever. I'm sure her son, Racecar Grandma Smith III, will be in good hands.
Although, it makes a lot of sense. That owl looks ready to mess up anybody who even looks at this kid wrong. When's the last time a blanket ever glared at you threateningly?
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: Carrying a bag full of Cheetos everywhere you go is just part of responsible adulthood. Don't like the truth?
Listen, if I have an empty bag and someone leaves food out, I now have a bag full of stolen food. It's science.
I mean that because it would puncture my stomach and lodge itself in my body cavity.
Also, how does this product keep the kids from spilling again? It's legit just a cup.
Anybody that slippery is destined for great things at Harvard Law.
In this case, "system" might be the word they're using for "controlled chaos."
This was right after he demanded the teacher kick up an extra 50 bucks if she wanted him to stay after class.
If Radio Shack still existed, this kid would be flying around in an Iron Man suit by now.
Either way, better get this child some milk before he crushes your head with telekinesis or something.
Watch these grown men quake in their boots under her gaze of pure disdain.
