For the most part, I'm pretty glad that Twitter exists. I mean, it's home to some pretty funny people, who love to say pretty fun things, like, all the time.
Even if their tweets... let's say, hit a little close to home, you can't help but laugh a little. After all, we all have to learn to laugh at ourselves.
I need this for all the terrible puns my friends tell me. Sure, terrible puns are great, but they're also terrible.
I think the real evil is people telling you not to eat sugar at all. Everything in moderation, of course, but sometimes you just gotta do what makes you happy.
I don't know what's worse; when somebody picks up right away and you have to fumble over your rehearsed lines, or when they don't pick up and you have to leave a message. And then they try calling you back. Enough of this!
You know what? That would be way better than having to deal with gas prices these days.
Have you ever told a story, only to have an entire roomful of people look at you like you were just speaking a foreign language, or are you normal?
I guess that would depend on your definition of weird, though. At least if you listen to someone talk about their niche interests, you might learn something.
First of all, Voldetort is a hilarious tortoise name. But Susan is... even funnier. I think if I ever have a pet tortoise, I'd name him Susan.
Griefcase is both a very funny word, and a very accurate one. I'm not sure if we should start calling it that in therapy, though.
Who needs to form meaningful human connections when you can just stay indoors and not interact with anyone? (Serious question.)
This Tweet just conjured a really hilarious image in my head. Oh... I guess that means my head isn't empty right now.
This kid is just saying what all the evil government people in sci-fi movies are thinking. And also what they end up doing.
I feel personally attacked by this tweet, not gonna lie. It's the iced coffee part for me. Caffeine helps you make up that lost 20 minutes!
It's all fun and games until you actively wake up in the middle of the night thinking of that one thing you didn't do at work the day before.
You know, we always call seagulls rats with wings, but this kind of rebellious attitude makes them more like cats with wings. Respect.
I feel like all pet owners have unwittingly eaten at least one thing that their pets have licked. It's too likely not to happen.
Sometimes, a tweet will have me sitting back on my chair and reevaluating my whole life and the world I live in. This is one of those tweets.
Why is it that we always end up with plenty of pictures of ourselves with casual friends, but none with our best friends?
Even if your sibling can do something super impressive, if you can do something they can't, you might still have the leg up.
I don't want to be the person to tell you this, but that song came out in 2005, which was... 17 years ago.
Now I'm having a bad day.
I hate how whenever we have a little extra spending money, we end up making the most absurd purchases. At the same time, though, I want to see a skateboarding cat right now.
