12+ Top-Notch Tweets That Almost Make Up For The Rest Of Twitter

Diply 7 Aug 2018

Twitter can be a great place. I mean, not if you're looking for calm, rational thoughts on the world, but if you're looking for laughs, it's a nonstop party over there.

So, we dug into some of the primo joke material just for you. After all, who has time to sift through the millions of essays on Star Wars and the Kardashians to get to the good stuff?

1. There's no law that says you can't fall in love with your karate instructor.

Twitter | @drankturpetine

Just remember the old rule: "Love hurts." Which is even truer when your star-cross'd lover gets you with a cross-kick that makes you see stars. Oof.

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2. I don't like Papa Roach, but I still 100% approve of this tattoo redesign.

Twitter | @c_watss

The new season of Ink Master is honestly just going to be touch-ups of disgraced celebrities while Dave Navarro acts like a robot in front of the camera. I can't wait.

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3. Listen, you can't prove that cauliflower isn't ghost broccoli.

Twitter | @roxiqt

That must be why it's so high in vitamin B and has a double dose of vitamin O.

No? OK, sorry, my pun game might not be on point right now. Maybe it's my diet?

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4. I feel this in the core of my soul. Every time I say "yes" to a receipt, I have no idea why I'm doing it.

Twitter | @ChaseMit

Like, I've never walked out of a store and gone, "Am I ever glad I can return these Lifesavers."

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Besides, can you imagine saving every receipt you got from CVS? You'd be personally responsible for deforestation after a month.


And there are maybe two good uses for those receipts once you've saved enough.

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5. This is pretty hard to argue with, but isn't it a bit specific?

Twitter | @rudy_mustang

I mean, I can't think of more than a couple of horse movies, anyway. What else was this dude expecting out of a horse movie?

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6. This must be a part of parenting that happens fairly often.

Twitter | @FemmeEnFeu

It's also maybe the only part of parenting I could look forward to.

Ah, well, I'll just be a terrible uncle with a bellyful of stolen candy.

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7. Ugh. What a modern-day problem for procrastinators.

Twitter | @ben_rosen

Especially in winter, when you come out of the hot shower and you know your bed is still a bit warm. Pure temptation.

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8. Honestly, a lot of old animated movies are pretty depressing, but Dumbo really does take the cake in a lot of ways.

Twitter | @Home_Halfway

And it's a peanut butter cake, which is even more depressing.

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I can't really remember what happens to Dumbo, besides that he's exploited by capitalism.


I'm sure there's some heartwarming message that it's OK to have big ears and circuses are barbaric.

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9. It is a very weird truck, right? It doesn't even look like it's trying to lure in children.

Twitter | @_choromi

Unless somehow, those children are all the most boring kids ever. Like, 8-year-old accountants or something.

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10. Wait a minute. Is Apple trying to tell us something?

Twitter | @glanderco

I mean, do we know that basketballs are not currently made of human skin? I feel like this is important research.

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11. Either way, anytime a big corporation tries to show how diverse they are with a series of flesh-toned colors, they always wind up doing it in the most creepy way possible.

Imgur | CrabApple
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12. I guess it could be the same baby or a different baby, but I do like to think that this baby has somehow got the secret of not aging...and that I can steal that secret.

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13. Ikea finally makes sense to me. It's a psychological experiment meant to test whether we'll buy flat-package furniture in return for our freedom.

Twitter | @_caroline_28

Or for the promise of delicious meatballs and cheap hot dogs.

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For real, being stuck in IKEA is basically like being stuck on Twitter.


You came here for something specific, but after a while, you just need to get out of the madness by any means necessary.

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