You don't need to open a cursed book of dark magic or walk headfirst into an alien egg to have a bad day. Did you know that evil is conveniently all around us, every day?

If you're getting scared for real by anything on your TV, you need to get with the program, because that big old world out there is way worse than whatever Hollywood producers come up with. Hell, these days, Hollywood producers are scarier than half of what winds up on the screen.

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So what, you don't believe me? How about these bone-chilling scenarios?

You're about to leave the party, but you feel a hand on your shoulder.

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It's your ex — you know, the one you've been avoiding all night? They've got a drink for you and want to say hi. Take off that coat, because it's about to get real.

You're hungry, but you know that you've ordered food every other night this week, and it's really hitting your wallet. You have to...cook something yourself.

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You were at an event that had glitter on something, and a tiny bit of it wound up on your jacket. 

You were at an event that had glitter on something, and a tiny bit of it wound up on your jacket.
Instagram |  @antiderp

Unfortunately, it did that thing where it multiplied and started breeding, and now you wake up every day with 3–4 pieces of it stuck to your face.

No wonder science wants to ban that awful substance. It's basically crystallized demon-seed.

You're home for the holidays, and there's nothing to do. Your family hasn't seen the new show you just finished on a massive binge, and now they want you to watch with them.

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Oh, and by the way — you hated the show.

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If you didn't think pigeons were already the devil, you've been wrong your whole life and I'm sorry to have to break it to you.

If you didn't think pigeons were already the devil, you've been wrong your whole life and I'm sorry to have to break it to you.
Instagram |  @antiderp

But now you know, so there's no excuse. Fear them.

Worst fear time: You get home, you open up Facebook on your computer, and you find that you pocket-posted every nude on your phone in a gallery of flesh.

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And everyone's commenting.

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I'm sorry, I can't get over that last one.

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Every. Single. Nude.

Worst fear. No more, please.

Honestly, the living will envy the dead at that point.

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So next time you're freaked out watching some stupid movie, just do what I do. 

Think of your naked body and how much worse it could be.

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