Oh, Canada. Earth's real-life snow globe is not only home to the buck-toothed water-rodents known as beavers. It's also home to all things maple, bacon, and of course, maple bacon. Most people associate the great white north with toothless hockey grins, aggressive moose, and Tim Horton's double-doubles, but there is so much more missing from the public narrative. 

Poutine, not to be confused with the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is a gravy-soaked staple in the Canuck diet. Traditionally composed of gravy, cheese curds, and crisp French fries, poutine is a national treasure, like Ryan Gosling and Shania Twain. That being said, the story I'm about to tell you has many Canadians flying their national flag at half mast in mourning, and I'm sure you'll understand why. 

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A restaurant in New Jersey successfully "Americanized" the beloved Canadian dish, and Canadians everywhere are politely outraged.

A restaurant in New Jersey successfully "Americanized" the beloved Canadian dish, and Canadians everywhere are politely outraged.
Twitter |  @SheldonP

As if this cross-border relationship wasn't already strained, another ignorant imitation of Canadian culture has provoked a non-violent backlash of strongly worded memes followed by sincere apologies. 

Let's get serious. Are those Kraft Singles melted atop under-cooked fries, or is it just a thin layer of plastic on cardboard?

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I have half a mind to deploy several soft-spoken Mounties to briefly chat with this chef and hopefully come to a reasonable solution to this travesty.

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Canadians took to Twitter to explain their plan to handle this national crisis. 

Canadians took to Twitter to explain their plan to handle this national crisis.
Twitter |  @antimatter7 - Twitter |  @SheldonP - Twitter |  @HNHughson

I politely disagree with all of these methods. Americans respond to strength, empty threats, and loud noises. The only solution I can think of involves a herd of moose, followed closely by a flock of angry geese.

Some people are claiming that the melted plastic mess shown above is considered "disco fries," but even if that's true, I'd rather disco die.  

Some people are claiming that the melted plastic mess shown above is considered "disco fries," but even if that's true, I'd rather disco die.
Twitter |  @GiulsCarr

Disco's dead and so am I. Thanks, America. Another job well done. 

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Just because we're neighbors doesn't mean we have to be friends. 

Just because we're neighbors doesn't mean we have to be friends.
Imgur |  t2mremiix

Friendships are supposed to make a country happier, stronger, and more fulfilled. Instead, Canadians feel jaded, used, and completely disrespected. If Canadian/U.S. relations were an actual romantic relationship, Canada would be burning her boyfriend's clothes and throwing his laptop out the window.

Pissing off a northern neighbor is hard to do, but once you've rattled a few snow suits, you might as well catch the first dogsled home. 

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Sorry, America. I don't think we can be friends. Boy, bye.