A Nicolas Cage Plot Bot Makes Better Movies Than Hollywood

Diply 5 Oct 2018

Some days, I wonder if all humans being connected online is a good thing. Some days, I lose hope that anything we shout into the void has any meaning at all. Some days, I straight-up hate the internet.

This is not one of those days.

The reason why is also my reason for living this week: there's a Twitter bot that's been fed all the plots of Nicolas Cage movies, and now it spits out new ones. It's amazing.

It might also be terrifying. But hey, that's the Cage in a nutshell.

We all know Cage will basically take any role. So as weird as they sound, none of these are really out of bounds.

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Captain Nicolas Cage, sneaking a baby into Canada and running from the cop from Breaking Bad. Into it.

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I guess in an infinite multiverse, there's an infinite number of timelines where Nicolas Cage plays every role in every film ever made.

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Which is probably the most compelling reason I've ever had to get a PhD in theoretical physics.

All for Hermionicolas Cager.

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It doesn't hurt that I'll believe Nicolas Cage in any role. A 54-year-old street tough? Yes, please.

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Like, he only makes one human ant-sized? And was Cage possessed, or was the ant-human thing the possession? Please make this.

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Do I have too much faith in him? Am I just blinded by his majesty?

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Yes. I mean, probably. But look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't lose your mind if James Cameron announced that Na'vicolas Cage was in Avatar 2.

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OK, this one legit sounds good. 

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

First of all, I've been down for more Catherine Keener since Death to Smoochy — ooh, I hope she's the sorcerer.

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Second and last, I desperately want the reborn sorcerer to be the painting from Ghostbusters 2.

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If that means Max von Sydow does the voice-over for a painting of Catherine Keener...my hands are actually sweaty.

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I love that he's barely even in this one.

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Like, ideally if I'm watching a movie with Nicolas Cage in it, it's because I get to watch Nicolas Cage. But I'd be blown away at the end.

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Generally, you want to get as much Nicolas Cage in a movie as you can.

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Yes, exactly. Fill every frame with that glorious insanity. I'm here for it.

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I wonder if this is a sequel or a prequel to the other one about the Alaskan serial killer.

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Or maybe it's like Memento, and he's trying to catch himself? Yo, Hollywood, hire me.

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I'm becoming more and more convinced that this bot is tweeting from the future and all these films are in a 23rd-century museum.

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So basically now I just have to either freeze myself or figure out how to live to 250.

Kale?

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Ugh, why aren't there more animated films featuring the voice talents of Nicolas Cage?

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Can you imagine him going full Andy Serkis on, like, a cartoon bear?

I'm having real feelings.

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And for the record, I don't care how briefly he appears in the finale, as long as it's incredible.

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Every ending's a surprise ending in a Nicolas Cage movie.

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Some of these actually sound like Nicolas Cage just did all this stuff in real life.

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

I mean, I still want to watch it — and make the documentary.

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I would watch every minute of behind-the-scenes footage to learn about the making of Twilight in this timeline. 

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Frankly, I've never been more jealous of Robert Pattinson.

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Stealing babies again?

Twitter | @NicCagePlotBot

Is the baby part of the treasure hunt? Was it, like, a clue? Like, "The Riddle of the Five Babies"?

Do I want the answers to these questions?

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I am, however, 100% on board with Cage as a magician, mostly because I believe he's a wizard in real life.

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There's no other way to explain this level of magic. Big mood.

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