Evil Exists And You Can't Trust Anyone

Diply 29 Dec 2017

You can tell a lot about someone based on what they eat.

For example, some of us are among the elite few who understand that cilantro is a devil weed and should never be touched. But this isn't about what genetic gifts make the poison plant taste like soap. This is about finding monsters in our midst.

Food is the window to the soul.

Instagram | @ladbible

And it's becoming clearer and clearer that some people simply don't have one.

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We need a litmus test to suss out these monsters before they take over.

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Like a questionnaire — "Do you or have you ever mixed peppermint with Tabasco?"

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I don't know what their game is: world domination, or simply turning everything good about the world into a twisted parody of itself.

Sizzle | Sizzle

Dammit, Terry's chocolate oranges are a gift, how dare you pervert that magical goodness!

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Look, here are the hard facts of the situation: Until you actually watch someone eat string cheese, you straight-up cannot trust them.

Instagram | @beigecardigan

Even then, it's better if they don't know that you're watching at all.

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You could think that you're with a normal, healthy human, and then BAM!

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You're staring into the face of evil.

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Frankly, I don't know what to do with this information. I haven't slept in days. Every time I get fast food, I watch people eat until I can't stand it anymore. 

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Even then, I sit with my back to the wall.

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It's clear what we have to do.

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Save the pizza and dogs. The monsters can have the rest.

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