I Can't Stop Cringing At These 'Venom' Reviews

Diply 3 Oct 2018

I don't know about you, but after I watched the trailer for Tom Hardy's Venom, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and poured one out for that impending disaster.

Now that the reviews have finally started rolling in, I feel like I should have poured the entire beer.

For our entertainment, I'm going to share with you the cringiest quotes from reviews about the film.

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment

Afterward, I'll share a few decent reviews, as well as some bizarre drama involving Lady Gaga fans and the release of Venom — I really can't make this stuff up.

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Robbie Collin of The Daily Telegraph describes Venom as "a character who looks like someone drizzled Creme Egg filling onto a bin bag." 

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment

I challenge you to honestly look at an image of Tom Hardy's Venom and tell me that description is wrong.

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Stuart McGurk of GQ writes, "When a major fight scene resembles a pair of black pants caught in a white wash, it's fair to say you haven't taken the audience with you."

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment
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"If you replaced Tom Hardy for Steve Martin in All of Me, and switched out Lily Tomlin for a wad of chewed-up black licorice, you'd have Venom," writes Alonso Duralde of TheWrap.

IMDb | IMDb

In All of Me, Lily Tomlin's soul gets trapped inside Steve Martin's body, resulting in a 1980's Martin-style comedy about grappling dual personalities.

Since we're talking about a mostly serious Marvel film, yeah, that was definitely a diss.

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For reference, both Elektra and Fantastic Four were released in 2005... Need I say more?

Twitter | @sneakyzebra

Speaking of Fantastic Four — did Captain America ever save Chris Evans or what?

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Speaking of Green Lantern — did Deadpool ever save Ryan Reynolds or what?

Twitter | @JoshuaYehl

Just kidding, Ryan Reynolds never needed saving, even if there exists a whole 50-component WhatCulture listicle as to why Green Lantern is a terrible movie.

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One Redditor has summarized Scott Mendelson's review of the movie in Forbes with "Tom Hardy seems to be trying to be the first actor to win an Oscar and a Razzie for the same performance." 

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment

To be fair, that would be an extremely impressive feat.

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Alright, now on to the "positive" reviews.

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I put the word positive in quotes because while the following reviews are technically "Fresh," asRotten Tomatoes would say,they're still not... Well, you'll see.

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"It's a mess, but wow, is it ever a fun, fascinating mess," writes Katie Walsh of The Chicago Tribune.

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment

That's like only being friends with a person so you can be entertained by their messy, dramatic life.

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I mean, if you feel the need to whisper it...

Twitter | @AnnaJKlassen

At this point, people not hating Venom seems like a win for Tom Hardy.

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Let's put it this way: If you enjoyed Jim Carey in The Mask, then you'll at least be entertained by Venom.

Twitter | @WilliamBibbiani

And if you didn't enjoy Carey in The Mask, then you're wrong. So, maybe there really is room for a movie like Venom in 2018.

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But back to the negative reviews, because some evidence suggests that Lady Gaga fans faked a number of them.

Twitter | @StevenWallaby

I'm not talking about the ones above — those are all legit.

But apparently, some of Gaga's Little Monsters thought that giving Venom poor reviews would help boost box office numbers for the singer's new film, A Star Is Born, which comes out on the same day.

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For example, reviews like this:

Twitter | @AnneHarrisonMom

Come on, children don't cry because a movie has a weak story line or an inconsistent tone.

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Or straight-up copy+paste ones like this:

Twitter | @AtomicSpidey

The real reason that I know these are fake is because of the line "I expected so much better."

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As we've seen, a big Gaga-fueled scheme to poorly review Venom is just overkill at this point.

YouTube | Sony Pictures Entertainment

Seriously, Gaga fans. You didn't have to do anything. Literally nothing. The movie itself took care of that.

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But hey, you know what? I'm still going to pay to see Venom.

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Because 1. It's a Marvel character, so I must; and 2. All these terrible reviews have really got me excited to see how terrible it truly is.Whoops, sorry, Little Monsters, I guess your scheme didn't work itself out after all.

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