You know, I try to be a nice person for many reasons. For one, life is just better that way. Who wants to live a mean life? For another, well, I just believe things like kindness and common decency and treating people how I want to be treated. You know, those old fashioned things. And it would never occur to me to weaponize that niceness and use it as a crowbar to insert myself into someone’s life. That’s pretty much the opposite of niceness.
Sadly, however, that does happen, and one woman took to Twitter to show how awful that can be. it’s a pretty terrible thing to do.
Lily Evans had an experience that she felt could help explain to the world why women can be “‘rude’ or ‘cold’ or ‘standoffish’ to men in public.”
And, although it might be a story all too many women have lived all too frequently, frankly, it’s an eye-opener for a lot of men who don’t see this sort of behavior every day — and who don’t understand why they might get the cold shoulder.
Fair warning, although her thread is clean, Lily’s Twitter feed is NSFW and intended for adults only.
“I was walking my dog today and stopped to take a photo of the sunset,” she began.
“A man on a bench behind me was having a snack and he offered Echo a cracker, which she gladly took, because she’s a dog and always wants the people foods.
“It started innocently enough. He asked my dog’s name, and then mine. I asked for his and we shook hands. I hate making small talk but, well, he had been very nice to offer my dog a treat, so I mentioned the nice weather. He asked if I lived in the area.”
“Now, as a woman, I don’t like that question.”
“First of all, I’m walking my dog, so it’s already pretty clear that I probably live fairly close by. But I answered yes, made an excuse about Echo needing her medication, and dragged her away. All in all, not the worst interaction.”
“About 200 yards away, I paused to let Echo sniff some stuff and text a friend. ‘Hey, I thought you were going home?’ Oh, boy. He’d followed me.”
“I smiled and said I was just texting a friend back, but was on my way home, which was true — but more explanation than I owed a stranger.
“He asked me where I lived. This made me uncomfortable, so I lied and said I live a neighborhood over. He said he’d seen me around often, which made me uncomfortable because I’d never seen him before but I guess he has been watching me.”
“He asked if I have family around. I said no. And then he asked me if I live alone.”
“So now a strange man, over 6 feet tall, probably in the 220-260 pound range, has been watching me, following me, has a rough idea of where I live, and now he knows that I have no family in the area to check in on me. And now he wants to know if I live by myself. Alarm bells are ringing in my head and luckily this time I can tell the truth — I do not live alone, I have a former military male room mate. But I’m still scared.”
“I start tugging the leash to get across the street and he asks for a hug. Before I can say no he wraps his arms around me and squeezes me, tightly, and doesn’t let go for a good 10-15 seconds.”
“I was terrified he would squeeze tighter because I knew he could hurt me if he wanted. Finally he let me go and I dashed across the street with my dog, even though the crosswalk timer was nearly up. All I wanted was to get home ASAP. But I couldn’t even do that. What if he followed me again? What if he saw where I lived?”
“I had to take an alternate route home, in the dark, constantly checking behind me to make sure I wasn’t being followed, constantly making sure I was surrounded by plenty of people so I wouldn’t be alone in the dark, constantly staying on the best lit streets.”
“So now I need to plan a new dog walking route, and I have to be even more wary than usual after dark (which comes at like 4:45 now, thanks winter.) All because I decided to be nice to a strange man. I gave him an inch and he took a mile.”
“I’ve experienced this over and over and OVER, and yet I STILL try to give people the benefit of the doubt because I don’t want to get called a bitch.”
“I don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. Not a smile, not a hello, not a hug. And I’m going to remember that. This man didn’t look scary, or creepy, or weird. Our interaction started perfectly pleasantly. So next time a woman on the street comes off as ‘rude,’ remember that we have NO IDEA which men are going to follow us home, or touch us without our consent, or worse.”
“Oh, and on my way home, another man stopped me and told me I had better ‘watch my figure.’ I assume this is because HE wanted to watch my figure.”
“So yeah. I’m at home shaking now, hoping that man didn’t follow me home. Hoping he doesn’t really see me around a lot, hoping he doesn’t know where I really live. And hoping that I can make ONE person understand how dangerous ‘just being nice’ to strangers can be.”
“And for those of you saying ‘wow he’s creepy’: you’re correct! He IS creepy! And I had NO WAY OF KNOWING whether he would be creepy or harmless until it was too late!”
“And for those of you telling me to ‘stay safe’ and protect myself: being ‘rude’ IS a way of staying safe and protecting myself. When a woman you do not know brushes you off, won’t say hello back or thank you for your compliment or whatever, THIS IS WHY. SHE IS PROTECTING HERSELF.”
And Lily recognizes that, yes, many of the men in her life are nice and not scary and creepy at all, but that’s because she knows them.
“I’ve had guy friends who are honestly really good, decent people, who I had to take aside and explain they were coming off as creepy. 100% of the time they were shocked and offended that I could think they were creepy because they were so nice,” she said.
“I had to make them understand that other people CANNOT know the intention in their hearts, and they behavior was scary or off-putting to strangers. Like yes I know you and I know you aren’t scary, but SHE doesn’t know that. You’re just a random person to her.”
