The best things in life are free. Similarly, the best insults don’t require any curse words — regardless of how angry you are.
We’ve seen this all the time in popular sitcoms, like whenever Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory finished a cleverly crafted insult with the word, “Bazinga!” Or when Chandler on Friends told Joey, “You have to stop the Q-Tip when there’s resistance!”
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So the next time you’re ready to dish out a mean insult, consider these tamer (yet, equally savage) lines.
The pleasantries
Got no time for pleasantries for someone who’s being rude? Say this to them: “hope your day is as pleasant as you” and then walk away. By the time they figure out they were just insulted, you’ll be long gone.
The grandmother
“Someone once said to me: ‘Your grandmother’s prayers are wasted on you.’ I was hurt. My grandmother is an old Catholic woman.” – u/ luker_man . Yikes! Hitting them where it hurts with this one and their gam-gam.
The strangers
Although he’s known for writing romance, William Shakespeare also wrote some pretty savage one-liners. For instance, “I wish we were better strangers” or “thou art unfit for any place but hell.” We’re using that last one from now on.
The good job
“Me: Have I told you lately that you’re doing a good job? Them: No. Me: Do you think there might be a reason for that?” – TheCarrzilico . This would be a pretty good way to convince an anxious millennial that they’re getting fired.
The crayon
This next insult would be perfect for Lisa to say to Homer on The Simpsons . Since, you know, he wedged one up his nose as a kid.
Here it is: “You seem like the sort of person who knows which color of crayon tastes the best.”
The pretty insult
“I was working in a pizza shop, 3 of us were on the make line topping pizzas. One of the new girls was standing at the counter browsing on her cell phone. The shop phone rings, then rings twice. One of the guys looks over at her, ‘You gonna answer that?’ She answered, “No, my job is to stand here and look pretty.’ He responded without missing a beat, ‘Well, you’re failing at that, too.'” – u/ Synectics
The disappointment
If you’ve ever had a parent say they’re disappointed in you, then you know that it’s worse than them being angry.
That’s why more parents could hit hard with this line, “I didn’t expect anything from you and you still disappointed me.”
The interruption
“When someone interrupts or talks over me I always say, “sorry the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of your sentence.” – u/ adventuregalley . This is a pretty good way to shut someone up.
The shampoo
Know someone who’s dumber than a box of rocks? Try this line: “you’re the reason shampoo bottles come with instructions.” To be fair, though, those shampoo instructions come in handy when you have nothing else to read on the toilet.
The drawing
If you’re an artist who posts your work online and gets trolled for it, deliver this savage line to your haters: “you look easy to draw.” It’s a clever way of saying their face is nothing special.
The topic
Know someone who kills the buzz every time they open up their mouths? Try this line on them next time: “you’re a great conversation topic. Not when you’re here but when you leave.”
The parents
“Bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you.” -u/ EpicCalliope .
Another Redditor wrote that this is similar to their favorite quote from 30 Rock . “When Jack is talking to the writers and asks them ‘what do your parents tell their friends you do for a living?'”
The spice
This next one’s pretty spicy and taken from Bob’s Burgers , which is full of witty insults. During one episode, Louise the youngest daughter said, “if she was a spice, she’d be flour.” This basically insinuates that someone is super dull.
The type
“If a guy is annoying you even after you keep telling them that you’re not interested, or a nice guy is finishing for compliments after saying that they’re unattractive. I tend to say, ‘you’ve got to be someone’s type.” -u/ Pleaseshutyoassup
The agreement
If you want to get your point across on someone having a bad idea or opinion, say this: “if I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” It’s an oldie, but a goodie, and never fails to pack a mean punch.
The task
“I’m fairly tall and get, ‘how are you so tall!?”‘ fairly often. And I sometimes reply, ‘Well one of us had to grow and you clearly weren’t up to the task.'” -u/ last_try_why . You can also use this to question why someone isn’t able to think critically.
The envy
“I envy those who don’t know you.” The beauty of this one is that the person has to think about it. They will think that they were just complimented until it sets in.
The clapback
“Saw a girl twitch streamer say ‘I am going to have sex with your dad and give him a son worth loving’ after being told to go back to the kitchen and make a sandwich.” – u/ wispeedcore2
The blessing
People who live in the South know all about this last insult. It is, of course, “bless your heart.”
While it sounds as sweet as sweet tea, it’s actually a way to gently dismiss someone.
