Wikimedia / Reddit

Guy Details His Nightmarish Run In With Huntsman Spider While Sitting On Toilet At Work

Clark Sparky 22 Jan 2019

This guy was just trying to have some alone time in the bathroom at work when his break was ruined by a massive spider.

Trying to Use the Bathroom

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Our story starts with a guy at work using the employee bathroom on the 8th floor. This is Australia -- that's an important fact to keep in mind.

I'm sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I've just finished the dirty work and I'm about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it's a "paid to sh*t" thing, dicking around on reddit a bit. At this point I feel something jump onto my balls. Something I had never hoped I would ever experience, let alone talk about on the internet.

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Shriek

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He was horrified to discover what had leapt onto his man-bits and let out an awful sound:

I shriek. Not a barbarian shriek. Not a viking shriek. Psycho-Shower-Scene shriek.

A huntsman spider has crawled out of the toilet bowl and jumped onto my low hanging fruit.

I bat the spider off, smacking myself in the nuts, keel over in pain.

Spider dead. Good news.

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Huntsman Spider

Wikimedia | https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_Huntsman_spider_specimen.jpg

Just to pause this tale for a moment, a huntsman spider is terrifying. They're huge -- some can have a legspan up to 11 inches. They venom isn't deadly to humans, but can cause all sorts of discomfort like swelling and pain, nausea, vomiting, etc. All stuff you wouldn't want to experience on your most private of areas.

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Everything OK?

Wikimedia | https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:AccessibleSignToAccessibleBathroom.JPG

Alright, let's continue.

So, he's screamed so loud that someone came to check on him:

My banshee wail has not gone unanswered. Bad news.

Someone comes into the bathroom and knocks on the stall door. "Mate are you alright? Have you fallen over? I'll call an ambulance."

"NO. FINE. EVERYTHING. IS. GOOD. JUST SLIPPED. FINE. NO NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW."

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Back to Work

Giphy | 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

He leaves the bathroom and heads back to his desk, hoping this ordeal is over. But it's just getting started:

I flush the world's smallest sexual predator to try and retain some of my inner pride, wash my hands, and make the very VERY long walk back to my desk.

My manager's desk isn't too far from the bathrooms, and he comes up to me afterwards.

"What happened in there, is everyone alright?"

"Yeah... Everyone's... FINE."

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The Truth

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Oh no. Don't do it. Don't actually tell the truth!:

And then I make the dumbest decision of my life, and explain to him what had happened. And the audacity of the man; he LAUGHS. He laughs so hard he has to sit down so he doesn't hurt himself.

His hyena/kookaburra hybrid laughter has gotten the attention of some of the other members of my team. They're looking to get in on the funny, funny joke.

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Tell Everyone!

Giphy | State Farm

Now because he made the mistake of honesty he is forced to tell the story to all his co-workers:

Bossman wheezes "GET... GET HIM TO... TELL THEM HOLY SH*T"

And because I'm incredibly susceptible to peer pressure, I tell them. Like a f*cking gimp.

I'm gonna skip past most of the laughter because it went on for what felt like forever.

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Not Over

Giphy | HR Cloud

Surely this whole things is behind him now, right? He's told everyone the story, they've all had a good laugh. Let's move on. Nope:

I come back from lunch, and Bossman and two other members of my team come up to me as I'm sitting back down at my desk getting ready to get back to work. Bossman is holding a piece of paper.

"Look. We need to have a chat about something. I've brought two of your friends in the team as support since this is obviously not something that's easy to talk about."

I am confused.

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'POOPITRATOR'

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The boss is clearly going to milk this for all it's worth, so he has an HR report for him to fill out. This is actually pretty funny:

"I have a blank HR report here. I'll need you to fill this out. You confided into me that you were sexually harassed in the workplace and it's my duty of care to make sure the 'POOPITRATOR' is brought to justice. Under the space where it says 'which hand did they assault you with', just put x8. We understand this is a traumatic experience for you and I just want you to know that every resource we have is here for you."

TL;DR I need to fake my own death because I screamed when a spider jumped on my balls while I was on the toilet.

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What Would You Have Done?

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To everyone laughing at this man, what would you have done?! A giant spider jumps out of the toilet and onto your nether regions and you are supposed to just stay cool? Absolutely not. You would have released a scream from the pits of hell as well.

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Always Check Your Toilet

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What is the lesson here? Always. Check. The Toilet. Maybe even twice. Especially if you live in Australia.

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