I’ve done some pretty silly things in my life, but nothing compares to what I’ve seen people do on the internet.
I’ve also considered myself clever from time to time, but nowhere near as clever as some people I’ve discovered online.
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Basically, I’m trying to say that I’m both intelligent and, well, not , just like the people below.
1. When you finally have enough laundry to do a load of whites.
But you decide to decorate it like a Christmas tree instead.
And it actually turns out pretty nice, glistening off the empty washing machine door and all.
2. Wow, this one’s about 25 years too late for me.
I swear to God, the companies that manufacture these things purposely exclude any kind of directions so that they can make us feel like chumps decades later.
3. Colgate has zero tolerance for people who call it “teethpaste.”
I think they do know it.
Why else would they block people who are trying to spread awareness of this issue?
They’re teethpaste deniers.
4. “Work smarter, not harder.” —Riley, age 12.
I’m more concerned about six-year-old “Jac” (or “JQC,” kids could be named anything these days) and his military-grade “Shooter B40.”
The kid’s dreaming up international defence weapons before he can spell his own name.
5. Proof that the public school system is failing our country’s children.
Sigh , maybe if those other kids had been homeschooled, they might have understood the concept of being homeschooled.
‘Cause, you know, it’s not obvious enough.
6. I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, “Why didn’t I think of this?” And I’m thinking the same thing.
There’s a lot of thinking going on right now.
I can’t wait for someone to do me wrong so I can try this.
7. Alright, but do you have to put the cat’s life in danger?
Mark, 42, recently divorced, finally doing all the things his wife would never let him do.
Which is fine, but move the cat over to the loveseat.
8. This is why I only ever text three people.
Nothing will remind you of why you don’t need more friends quite like texting with strangers.
There’s not much out there, folks.
9. When you forgot that you traded your F-150 for a Kia.
And spatial perception was never your strong suit in the first place.
So, uh, where exactly do we go from here?
10. When not even Google has the answer.
Here’s a tip: If Google can’t answer your question, it’s probably either really interesting and nuanced or totally ludicrous.
In this case, it’s the latter.
11. Plus, the mole helps protect you from identity theft.
No one can claim that this is their watch unless they have that exact mole on their hairy arm.
Can your Apple security code do that?
12. When you’ve never hit on a Persian girl in your life.
Goodness gracious, we really need to get out there and educate men on international cultures and languages so that they at least stand a chance.
13. When you know poetry and chicken nuggets are the way to a woman’s heart.
Honestly, the chicken nugs alone would have been enough to reel me in.
As long as there’s sweet and sour sauce, I’m all yours.
14. Put a sports cap on just about anything, and BOOM, you’re a regular LeBron James.
Science has yet to catch up to the how and why behind this modern marvel.
15. Life is short, so don’t waste a second of it.
That includes opening packages of items that do the same thing as when they’re wrapped in plastic.
Also, this is the only way to keep your doorstops in mint condition for maximum appreciation in value.
16. And here I was, daring people to tell me their crush.
Yes, I’m aware that that would technically be truth , and that it’s cheap to ask that on a dare .
I was 11. Sue me.
17. This sounds like how corn chip breath smells.
Just imagine a hot, cheesy breath whispering things like “whole corn,” “vegetable oil,” and “artificial color” into your ears.
Personally, I prefer the Cool Ranch remix.
18. This is what my Friday nights at home look like.
Except I wouldn’t even bother using my hands.
I’d just faceplant my head straight into the popcorn, coming up every so often for air.
19. Wow, have you ever seen ripped jeans look so classy?
Nope, me neither.
Ripped jeans just made the leap from fashion to function, and I’m not at all mad about it.
20. When you’re serious about your daily calcium intake.
Even when it comes from strawberry flavored milk.
But to be honest, this is what happens when there’s no parental supervision.
Good job, mom and dad.
21. Oh yeah, and seat belts are for suckers.
Wow, these guys want it to be 1942 so bad. The pre-airbag era…those were the golden years of manhood.
Real men, sure.
Smart men, on the other hand…
22. OK, but what if I only have those tiny swimming goggles?
I guess I can protect my eye makeup, but my eyebrows are going to have to take a hit.
23. I can’t think of one thing on this good green Earth that would fit in that bag.
What is this? A bag for ants ?
The bag has to be at three times bigger than this!
24. And finally, when you set the standard for safety during the solar eclipse.
Then sue Wrigley for loss of sight and lose, because WE ALL KNOW cinnamon is the only flavor with the ability to shield you from the sun’s harmful rays.
SMH, people these days.
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