I've been single for, no offense, literal ages, but it's totally okay. I love going on dates and meeting new people. I love free meals. I love being over-complimented by eager men looking to please.
But sometimes, a phone filled with texts you left on read just doesn't warm your soul like it used to, and you ponder the idea of monogamy.
Could monogamy be mo-hoggin'-me?
Also, physically printing out a picture is a lost art. This is basically a fossil. That makes me hella emotional.
But why am I crying? If someone can love me with my face blown up like dis, he is a keeper. As in, I am keeping him locked up. As in, he is a prisoner of my love. As in, good luck leaving me and my blown-up face.
Yeah, see? No one is gonna wanna show this ice-cream soaked mustache off on a glossy-finish poster. And that's okay, I've accepted that about myself.
But look, this one is inscribed, hoes! Therefore, it is even more extra and more romantic.
I used to hang Jonas Brothers posters around my room and hoped that through reverse osmosis Nick Jonas would love me.
AT LEAST THE POSTERS WORKED FOR SOMEONE.
We all know a Pascal. But this guy is determined to not let the Pascals of the world win. He's also holding a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream that hasn't even melted yet. Love truly creates miracles.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the most basic princess of them all?
Literally me, 'cause I can recognize that Starbucks is a Venti Iced Caramel Machiatto, extra caramel. So. Yeah.
Am I gonna sit here and act like I didn't make a custom geofilter for my birthday? No. But I had to design it for my damn self. An anniversary and birthday filter made for me? How is that amount of happiness even allowed on this trash fire planet?
Last year, my crush texted me three days late for my birthday, and I cried tears of joy for the rest of the afternoon. Like, what? A man who is considerate and kind? Who dis?
But this is a bae-nic so, it's way better. If I have to sit outside, at least tell me how pretty I am and give me gifts. This guy is on the right track.
Also, why am I crying?
So, like, suck it, happy and adorable couple. I am so happy indoors. Really, I am. I can make a picnic inside. On my bed. It's called a nap.I'm sleeping for 3 days, bye.
Love is sweet. So is ice cream. I have significantly more experience with the latter of the two. Honestly, a phone case with my face on it should be standard — heads up, future bf.
So this is kind of the same thing?
No?
Not at all?
OoOoOokay. cool.
Ugh, I know, it sucks. But sometimes, we have to be selfless. Or so I've heard. IDK, I've never tried it. But it seems like it makes them happy. And a haircut is always a good idea. #deathtomanbuns
But what is more romantic than risking it all for me? If a guy isn't willing to spend at least 10 years to life in jail to be with me, WTF are you even doing, boy?
A sense of humor is a priceless gift and can be surprisingly hard to find. Especially when your sense of humor is drier than the dead skin on my feet.
You're welcome for that visual.
Nothing says true love like painted canvas. At least it's not printed canvas, then we'd have real issues.
Gotta have fun in your relationship for it to last. It's a good thing when you can be big kids together.
If I got a MAC gift card every time a drunk boy disappointed me, I would own the store. Twice over.
Whatever it is, I'm sure it smells like *loOoOove.*
Although this may not be the best time.
*looks down at cheap chocolate advent calendar and cries*
Going for a walk? Going with bae. Going to school? Going with bae. Going to work? Going with bae. Just make sure no one steps on your toes cause then oops #RIPbae.
Seriously, what more could you want?!
This guy literally ran around her neighborhood to spell the word prom on a fitness tracker. That is dedication I have yet to see personally. Most WEDDING proposals are not even this extra.
But let's be real — if you're this extra, everyone probably already knows who you're texting all the time.
And so is bacon. Mmm bacteria-covered bacon.
I get it. People don't print out their pictures anymore. But maybe we should start. Like, asap.
TBH from a distance, this could pass as a very hipster print top from Urban Outfitters. He also looks equal amounts of thrilled and petrified. My question is, where does one wear such a top?
Even if those dreams come smothered in queso and wrapped in tinfoil.
Sorry, did that sound bitter?
See, we love shade...as long as it's sparkly!
Every girl likes a bad boy.
This stresses me out too, tbh.
I guess all we really can hope for in this lifetime is someone who wants to see the same picture of our face literally 100 times a day.
I have no idea what's happening here, but it's kinda cute? Yeah, let's go with cute.
Happy wife, happy life. I'm sure Jan wears the pants in the relationship.
The seamless blending. The creativity. The amazing, spot-on captions. The use of the dog filter. It is perfection, tbh.
