16+ Hilarious Tweets From Women To Enjoy With A Midday Margarita

I'm pretty much at the point where I can't even trust myself to carry my own purse in the mall because I just know I'm going to buy something I will never need in my life.

It must have felt pretty good to watch her bag all those candles she shook her head at. The judge has spoken, and you're guilty of picking some bad candles.

Perhaps we should keep these kinds of revelations to ourselves when our significant others are sitting within earshot.

You gotta pick your moments.

This comment is almost as good as the original tweet:

Kristen: Hi

Krysten: Hy

Maybe the artist gave up near the end and just left their painting sitting on the easel. And then the night janitor came around and decided to take it upon himself to finish the piece with a cat, like Matt Damon finishing that equation in Good Will Hunting.

Except, you know, poorly.

I've always dreamed of living in a place where the sun blankets me in the morning when I wake up but doesn't blind me at night while it sets.

I refuse to feel bad for finally being picked as the favorite. I earned this.

I thought quarantine would make my boyfriend and I run out of things to talk about. But then I realized we have more than one room in our house so there's ample opportunity for adventures while we're apart from each other.

"Honey, you'll never guess what I found in the closet in the guest room today!"

These thirteen year old kids got feeling real dramatic about their 2-day romance and they made a lot of mistakes.

Anyone who calls that play a "romance" is fooling themselves. It's a cautionary tale about teenagers thinking they're in love.

You know the kind — the women who come stumbling down from the attic with hair that's grown past their hips, skin that hasn't so much as tasted vitamin D in decades, and a very resentful outlook on the state of the world, especially men.

"And by 'traffic' I mean my cat who was sleeping on the stairs and would not get out of my way. So what'd I miss?"

This exact same thing happened to me with my ex who said I should start going to the gym while he simultaneously polished off an entire casserole dish of mac and cheese by himself.

We are obviously no longer together.

I can barely lounge on the couch in jeans, meanwhile there are people out there who get under the covers in bed and will have full on nap sessions while wearing a pair of denim leg prisons.

When you really stop to think about it you realize that yes it is, in fact, a remarkably flawed packaging system and I demand someone change it ASAP.

No judgement here, I've done the same more times than I'd care to admit. We're all just going to carry on with our lives and pretend nothing even happened.

Girls gotta stick together, etc.

In high school I used to blast this song all the time while thinking about the love of my life who I'd never once spoken to but who I was convinced was going to spontaneously ask me to prom instead of his actual girlfriend.

No chance, no way.

Either they're dropping stuff all the time or they're holding onto a single french fry for like, three hours. There's no in between.

But you forgot just a few details, like him explaining which one he is in the massive group photo, or him telling you he's "5'11 because apparently that matters now?"

Lockdown has reintroduced me to the simple joys in life I'd all but forgotten about. Like puzzles, and baking cookies, and coloring, and playing checkers.

It's all just so good.

All I had to see was the name of the place and I was already sold.

I just hope they make sure every room has a king-sized bed and a Jacuzzi and a fully stocked mini fridge because this b*tch needs a vacation.

Okay, why is taking off latex gloves such a pain in the ass, but taking off your mask makes you feel like everything is good in the world and nothing can hurt you and life isn't as bad as you thought it was while you were following arrows on the floor in Walmart?