Popular culture likes to celebrate big boobs, but as a 38J myself, I just cannot understand it. It seems to me that the only people excited by them are those who have never had to carry an extra 15 pounds on their chest.
Big boobs suck — a lot — and these are over 16 reasons why.
Trust me, when you have girls this big, you know your size in every brand, style, and country.
Nothing like trying to relax and having your boobs crushed between a hard mattress and your own body weight. At least you can make it work at the beach.
I wore a pretty button-up for my first driving test only to realize that at some point a button had popped. Didn't help, though. I still failed.
That awkward moment when you realize a sharp Dorito crumb has gotten wedged in your cleavage and you have to decide whether to smile through the pain or dig it out in front of everyone.
But on me, it looks like a bloated tent balanced atop a pair of spindly leggings.
Why yes, I'm sure you can make it across the street in that narrow break in traffic, but I'll wait.
My boobs are a carefully balanced physics problem and running is a troublesome variable.
"Just don't wear a bra with it!" encouraged no girl ever with a C cup or larger. An outfit ceases to be cute when my breasts are down at my waist.
Painting the walls a fresh, new color? You're going to need to check your final coat for boob prints.
Everything else falls as you get older. What will gravity do to your boobs?
Never try to reach for the salt and pepper shakers at dinner. On a good day, you'll just knock over a drink. On a bad day, you'll knock over the lit candles.
Be careful leaning over the stove, because the girls may end up feeling the heat more painfully than you ever intended.
The worst time of year is "cute summer dress" season. All those sweetheart necklines and spaghetti straps that would look scandalous on me.
A simple bend to pick it up can result in shifting or even fully falling out of your bra. Not to mention underwire suddenly stabbing you in the soft bits.
Sure, let's just put an awkward, horizontal line right across my already large breasts. That won't make them seem even larger and more awkward at all!
I have two choices with my seat belt: squashed into my cleavage where an impact will likely result in Amazonian amputation, or up by my neck so I can easily be decapitated.
No two-for-$20 sales ever carry what I need, and picking sizes online means you get to see firsthand exactly how much the boob tax is going to cost you this time.
When your bra is supporting things this big and heavy, your straps are bound to dig into your shoulders and leave a worse-than-it-feels groove mark.
You know how it seems like sweat seeps out of every spot on your body in the summer?
Well, when you have big boobs that means sweating under and around your boobs, which can create an unsightly sweat stain through your t-shirt if you're not careful.
You know how turtlenecks always come back in style for fall? When you have big boobs, wearing a turtleneck makes you look like you have uniboob.
It's frustrating how your boobs are perceived as being distracting, isn't it? It's not like you have any control over their size!
You're always the bridesmaid who needs to wear a different dress with straps, while all the others look delicate and sylph-like in their strapless gowns.
Celebs like Christina Hendricks and Ashley Graham are always strapped in on the red carpet and look like a million bucks. Unfortunately, I don't have a million bucks to spend on custom tailoring.
Yeah, right. Like that thing is going to keep me supported.
We all know that it's not just a woman's belly that swells when she gets pregnant. For us chesty gals, that also means massively swollen boobs and it's a frightening prospect.
Imagine having to carry around two watermelons on your shirt all day long. Trust me, it hurts.
