16+ Hilarious Tweets From Women Best Served With A Big Glass Of Wine

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a favorite spatula because I was beginning to think I was crazy for favoring one kitchen utensil over another. We're all in this together.

To be fair... I have a lot of emotions and I can't stop crying someone please help me.

Sometimes you're hitting all the right milestones at all the right times and are on the right track to success. And sometimes you're dressed as a bush. Life be like that.

I think this woman is literally the definition of "wife material" and I hope her husband never lets her go.

One time a Matt started dating me while he was already dating someone else and when I found out he told me he just wanted to see if he could do it.

I expect full compensation for that ish.

I have no interest in finding those stretched out, worn elastic, about-to-break-any-second hair ties. Those can stay right where they are, we good.

Look at that sneaky little smile. You know she's done some stuff. Freaky stuff. Grams' an animal.

I wish someone would have stopped me the day I decided to start wearing blue eye shadow with no eye liner or mascara in high school. But tragically, that was one look no one tried to prevent.

When my boyfriend gets drunk he brings a pizza box to bed and falls asleep with his coat on. Oh, and he definitely doesn't speak in full sentences.

I also like to pack thirty when I go on a weekend trip somewhere just in case and then I don't end up using a single one. But you bet the minute I decide to leave the hair ties at home is when I suddenly need one the most.

You also spent like, thirty minutes carefully editing each photo online and felt like a professional graphic designer as you added "Live Laugh Love" text boxes.

I would like a sign with this exact text written on it so I can wear it around my neck all day every day, thanks.

You have to find the perfect balance between too many exclamation points and not enough. Personally, I alternate between those and periods every sentence, just to keep things nice and neutral.

It's not like this burner gets hotter than any of the other ones or is better in any conceivable way. It's just my favorite, okay?

Yesterday I pinched my index finger in my utensil drawer and had to put two Band-Aids on it.

Oh, there was no blood. It just made me feel better.

I get emotionally exhausted from trying to be social. I have to take lengthy hiatuses just to regain my strength.

If you ask my boyfriend, he'll tell you he doesn't need to carry any of that stuff around because he knows I have it all in my gigantic purse.

Well let me tell you something... he's right.

This tweet has "worldly aunt who shows up once a year to family gatherings and then disappears without a word again" written all over it.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who showed up freshman year of high school looking exactly like I did in the eighth grade. In fact, I'm sure I still look like that. Patiently waiting for that transformation to happen any day now.

I get the same feeling when I remember to put on perfume. Wow, who's this functioning adult I see in the mirror? Oh damn, it me.

And it doesn't matter when you go searching for some Tupperware, I guarantee you won't find a matching lid.

You can't like five pictures in a row and you definitely can't like five super old pictures. It's a fine balance, sis, but we manage it perfectly.

Other favorites include She's the Man, The Lion King, and West Side Story. The man was truly talented.

I went from never having any neck or back pain to injuring myself while I sleep. This is adulthood.

Sure, sometimes she threw together an absolute banger. But I'd say that 99.9 percent of the time, she came to brunch dressed like some warped fashion week reject.

I could leave ten minutes earlier but then I have to wake up ten minutes earlier and go to bed the night before ten minutes earlier and honestly, it's just not worth the hassle.

I just wish I could have seen the secret little smile her mom was probably wearing the second she heard this news herself. Witchy powers on blast.

I'm more likely to remember the name of someone's dog than their own and honestly? That's totally O.K. with me.

This is also me after I drink one glass of water and listen to ten minutes of a podcast because I am a zen sensation.

Catch me in the locker room filling Tupperware containers full of complimentary body lotion because this is why I got a gym membership.

A vote for me is a vote for pockets. Let's change the world together.

Don't play, you know exactly which one the "good" grocery store is. We all have one and it's never close to our house, no matter where we move to.

This response says it all:

"OK, I'm not good with marital advice but maybe try this. Make him a sandwich, whatever his favorite stuff is on it. Bring it to him and present it to him as if it were the World Trophy. Then, while he's eating it, punch him in the throat.

I know, radical, but maybe worth a try?"

This picture is iconic and I hope his ex has made tee-shirts, hats, mugs, posters, and throw blankets out of this pathetic boy's face because it deserves to be seen.